EXES AND OH'S

Sorrys and Goodbyes

"Hey, um. What are you doing here?" I ask Levi, making my way to the door. 

I stand beside Günter. He reaches for my arms and gives it a light squeeze, then walks off back to the living room immediately, leaving me and Levi by ourselves to talk. I gaze up at him and he just stares at me blankly. My heart feels like it's falling out of my chest, and my face has completely fallen to the floor. 

Levi looks at me with disdain, twitching his lip and seemingly trying to come up with words to answer my question. He finally parts his lips, gasping for air. "Nothing, I... I just, dropped by to try and talk you through hanging out with us tonight. You know, at Jesse's." He explains, his gaze bore through mine and his jaws clenched. "But I see you've got company. So just, forget it." He quickly turns around to walk away, already heading downstairs.

I close my eyes for a second, holding the door and thinking what I should do. Fuck. This is a goddamned nightmare. 'Cause why was he even so fucking stupid to think that he could talk me through hanging out with him? I set aside my thoughts and holler for Levi, bolting out of my apartment and running barefoot to follow him downstairs. "Levi, wait!" I catch him by the main door and grab for his arm. "Hey, wait a sec!"

"What?!" He snaps at me, his loud, ringing voice making me jump a little. He's clearly upset, and I completely understand why. 

"Levi, it's — it's not what you think." I stammer through my breathlessness, not letting go of his arm.

"It doesn't matter what I think, Charlie." He gently yanks his arm away from my hand. "Now why don't you just go back upstairs to David Hasselhoff, and let him whisk you away to his picture-perfect world in LA?" He steps back and turns towards the main door. Is he pushing me away now?

I follow him again outside, running and stopping in front of him as I hold both his arms. I know I totally look crazy right now, standing out in the street barefoot, but I just can't let Levi walk away like this. "Levi, please hear me out." I beg him, tears already in the corners of my eyes. "Don't leave." I whisper, my voice breaking with the huge lump caught in my throat.

"Give me one perfectly good reason not to." He stares me down, looking back at me with purpose.

This has gotta be the heaviest my heart has ever felt. I have to tell him now, how I really feel — how much I love him. Maybe that will make him stay.

"Levi, I..." I trail off, tipping my head down and snapping my eyes shut. Just three fucking words, Charlie.

"You're what?" He asks, cocking his head to the side.

My chest feels like it's going to explode. "Levi, I... I'm sorry." I sigh and fix my gaze back at him, the right words fail to come out of me of course, that's because I'm a fucking coward.

Levi removes my grip from his arms and scoffs. "Yeah, sure you are." He shakes his head and purses his lips together. We just stood there for a minute, not saying anything to each other, a thousand words screaming and wanting to be free from inside our minds... but never really having the strength to let it all out. 

He finally lets out a breath and opens his mouth to speak, the inside corners of eyebrows slanting upward and a pained expression etched in his pretty face. "I'm never gonna be enough for you, am I?" He seethes through his teeth.

Tears fall from my eyes and I try to reach for his chest but he flinches and steps away. "No, Levi, you don't understa—" 

"No, Charlie, stop. Don't. I get it now." He rolls his jaws and runs his fingers through his hair. "You know what? Last night, I was trying to understand it all. You, saying you still want to think things through. And, and everything you said just, kept circling my mind all day long. 'Cause I'm trying to figure you — us, out. But, no... I get it now." He repeats, panting and looking so deep into my eyes.