EXES AND OH'S

The Pill, The Phil, and The Feels

"'Cause why did you even need to take a shower? You're literally wearing the same clothes from yesterday!" I bark at Levi, beyond annoyed because I am already late for my dad's birthday lunch. 

It's all Levi's fault for sexing me up. But honestly, I don't regret the sex. Hell, that was some really good shit. It's just that I'm feeling so guilty that I am late for yet another family commitment because of a guy. I promised myself never to do that shit anymore to my awesome, super kind, adoptive parents. And I kinda promised my dads I'll be at the party early, before their visitors arrived, so we could at least catch up. And now here I am running super late all thanks to Levi's venomous one-eyed trouser snake.

"What? I feel sticky." Levi reasons out, taking a quick glance at me then fixes his gaze back on the road. He then powers his car stereo on and Hey Ya! by Outkast played through the booming speakers.

"Ugh. You're such a girl!" I groaned and checked my reflection in the mirror of his car's sun visor and slammed it back up angrily on the car ceiling.

"We're almost there, don't worry." He chuckles and makes a sharp turn on the corner street. The hell does he think he is? Vin Diesel? He's clearly trying to pull off a fucking Fast and Furious! Well, I think he's succeeded at that. He's really going fast and I'm so fucking furious!

This idiot drives like a coked-up Nascar racer. I am muttering a silent prayer as I really think he'll crash his car anytime now. And dearest Satan, if I die, please don't let me go to the same hell as this hobbledehoy schlub. I've had enough time living a fiery inferno in this world and I think I've already paid my time.

"And I... I really love your scent, so I tried your bath gel." He went on, biting on his lip in a naughty way like there's a million dirty thoughts going in his head right now.

I scrunched my face and cringed. Is he fucking serious? That sounds like something one of my psychopath exes would do. "You do know that sounds creepy right? Like American Psycho creepy?" 

Levi laughed and placed his palm on my bare thigh. Yep, he's definitely feeling estoy caliente right now. I bet he's already growing a third leg between his crotch. "Yeah, no. Not like that. It's just that I won't see you again until Monday."

The fuck does that mean? He'll be jacking off his horny burrito to my scent all weekend while he's smelling his armpits? And then after masturbating from dirty thoughts of me he'll probably be suffering from PWR: Post Wanker Remorse. This dude is absolute friggin' nuts.

I cross my arms above my chest and look at the rolling view of buildings and pedestrians outside, deciding to ignore Levi as he's clearly foaming at the dick again. And as tempting as it is doing it inside Levi's spacious car, I really cannot afford being late to Tim's party or else he's finally going to disown my horny ass.

"Um, Charlie, I actually wanted to ask. While I was looking for a spare toothbrush this morning, I... I saw a box of yellow pills in your bathroom drawer," he asks cautiously, his eyes fixed on the traffic. 

What the hell? Was he going through my stuff earlier? 

"No, I wasn't going through your stuff. I just - caught a glimpse of it." He states, as if reading my mind. "So I'm curious to know. If you're... on the pill?"

Flustered and mortified, I look down on my thighs and think about whether I should answer this private question. But then if I don't, he'll probably think that I'm a skank who's lying about not sleeping around. 

"I... I've always been on the pill," I mumble softly. "I don't ever want to risk... getting pregnant. 'Cause you know, I'll - I'll never know if an ex would come back for me again, pop roofies in my vitamin water, and do really vile things to me while I'm sleeping." The last thing was barely audible. I'm surprised I was even able to let it out. That took a dark turn real quick.