EXES AND OH'S

Black Butterflies and Déjà Vu

I hold back my breath and stare blankly at Jesse, shocked out of my wits as I put two and two together: Levi's sister, Bethany, Beth de Luca. And of course, that kid looked a lot like him because they're related!

How and why didn't that even cross my mind!? And the answer to that, is something that's so fucking hard to admit — I've always thought the worst of Levi.

I bury my face on my palms and let out a trembling, frustrated breath. "Fuck! Jesse, I just made the biggest fucking mistake of my life!" I say, my voice muffled with my mouth pressed against my hands. 

"Hey, Charlie, look at me," Jesse gently pulls downs my wrists and yanks them away from my face. He looks deep into my eyes and lets out a derisive chuckle. "Lemme ask just ask you a question. So, you honestly think that... that's the biggest mistake you've ever done?"

I gaze up at Jesse, my face all scrunched-up and blinking profusely in wild confusion. "Um, yeah... cause you know, I—I really thought that Levi and I could have a shot at it again, and I thought that maybe... we could finally be happy. But I— I just happened to have fucked it all up, all over again. I hurt him again, Jesse. I've always hurt him! And honestly... I don't think he'll ever forgive me after everything, after what I just did. No, not this time." I snap my eyes shut and shake my head, tears running down my cheeks as I recall Levi's pained expression when I left him yet again this morning. "I've always made him feel like shit, like he didn't deserve me. When the truth is, it's me he doesn't deserve. He deserves to be with someone way better, cause I'm a mean asshole, and I'm so fucking screwed in the head, and I fucked him up, and—"

"Okay, hold it right there, buddy." Jesse stops me from talking and grabs both my shoulders, looking at me with kind eyes, "You're seriously going down the wrong way if you're thinking that, dude. You wanna know what I think?" He pauses for a second, lets go of me, and leans his back on the bench. "I mean, Charlie, my best friend's still so fucking in love with you. Those four years you weren't together? He spent all of it trying to move on, but he just couldn't. And I know it's because deep in the back of his mind he's still hoping that you'll end up together again someday. He's given up on moving on, seriously. And I really think, the biggest mistake you'll ever make is... if you don't try and take him back." 

I stop for a moment and compose myself, heaving deep breaths as I try to let Jesse's words sink in.

"So stop guarding yourself around him." He goes on, leaning forward and looking me straight in the eye. "And hey, I know why you've done things you shouldn't have — you were just so afraid of getting hurt again. But you have to believe Levi, you have to put your trust in him. That's how lasting relationships work, anyway. Cause if you just run or give up every at every turn, nothing's gonna happen, really. Have faith in him, and in yourself, you have to give you a chance." He casually shrugs his shoulders and flashes me a convincing smile.

I unconsciously look away from Jesse and dart my eyes to Luna instead, deep in thought. 

Did I really just guard myself up so much? Perhaps I never really gave Levi a chance. I guess... I just always thought that being with him was like a time bomb that's gonna blow up in my face. My instinct was always screaming at me to run away from him.

But the truth is, Levi treated me with nothing but tender kindness and sincerity. He may have been an asshole plenty of times, but I've been a bigger asshole to him than he ever was to me.

He treated me the way I always wanted to be treated but never experienced before. That, was what made me so scared.

I was skeptical and thought that whatever we have or might have been... won't last. I felt guity for feeling this way and start to think that maybe, I don't deserve love at all. I was literally overthinking every step of the way and drove myself crazy. I thought dismally, denying my feelings for him, shutting him down — shutting myself down.