EXES AND OH'S

The Art of Letting Go

"Oh honey, come here!" Phil greets me at the door and wraps me in a tight hug. He called me yesterday afternoon to come to their place in Manhattan for a Saturday night family dinner. And here I am, nicely dressed as how my dads would usually like. Pretty, prim, proper, and very un-vampire.

Not sure what the occasion is. I'm absolutely sure it's not Phil's birthday, it's not my birthday, and it's also not their anniversary. But then, my dads celebrate everyday like there's a special occasion — and that's not because they're gay. It's because they're grateful for the gift of life. It's something they always told me since they got me out of foster care. It's like their mantra, or more like their way of living.

Anyway, I'm glad we'll get to do this dinner too. I'm planning to tell them already about my move to LA. I'm a hundred and one percent sure about this. Kurt is in, which just makes me all the more excited with the whole idea of moving to an entirely new place, out of my comfort zone, with my best friend.

"I miss you, dad." I hug Phil back, and he kisses my cheek before he pulls away. "Where's my diva dad?" I ask where Tim is, and Phil chuckles lightheartedly. He ushers me in and closes the door behind him.

"I miss you too, baby. Oh, and your diva dad will be down in a minute, darling." His reply, and I look at his face, noticing the dark circles under his puffy gray eyes. Was he crying? Huh. Phil and Tim might have been watching their favorite sappy movies like Dead Poets Society, Sophie's Choice, or The Way We Were. Well, any film that's got Robin Williams, Meryl Streep, and Barbra Streisand in it, will definitely make my dads ugly cry. And God, how much they love Barbra Streisand. I swear, they know each and every song and lyric to Yentl.

"Is there a special occasion?" I utter, following Phil to the kitchen and helping him prep and carry food to the dining table.

"No nothing special... Just, um, a regular family dinner." He smiles at me, though it doesn't really reach his eyes. 

I stare at him for a second, and instantly know that something's definitely up. I take a deep breath and march into the kitchen to calm my nerves. I think I'm having another panic attack.

Just... inhale, exhale, Charlie. Breathe.

I've been a walking bundle of nerves all week long; waiting for the news for my application as A&R head, constantly thinking whether I'll get it or not, planning what my next job would be and where I'll stay in LA in case I don't get the promotion. All these things are making me super stressed and nervous — but nothing beats the Jim-jams every time I see Levi. It not easy being in the same space with him, breathing in the same air, but still feel so far away.

I shake my head and try to shake away all thoughts of him. I decide to remain calm, knowing anxiety won't do me any good right now. Besides, it's so not my dads to be keeping a secret from me. They've always been open to me about anything. If there's something I need to know, they'll tell me.

I reach for the bowls of marbled potatoes and tossed greens and head back to the dining area, and there Tim already was standing beside the table, holding up his arms for me.

"Hey, dad!" I smile and hurriedly place the food on the table before I give him a big, tight hug. I notice he had gotten thinner. A lot thinner from when I last saw him just weeks ago.

"Hi, honey. Glad you were able to come tonight!" Tim pulls away and gives me a small smile. "You look pretty as ever."

"Thanks, dad." I give him a once-over, and observe his hollow cheeks and sulken eyes. I fake a smile as worry starts to drown me. "Goodness, what diet are you on right now? Please don't tell me you're not getting yourself into those crazy fads again."