EXES AND OH'S

Lost Angeles

I close the door behind me and see Günter sitting by the windowsill, patiently waiting for me with a bottle of beer on hand. He stands up, and start to walk towards me.

I drag my feet and put on a brave face, like nothing ever happened. Though I know I'll fail spectacularly. I'm sure I reek of misery, despair, and heartache right now. And no amount of fake smile could ever hide what I'm truly feeling. I'm fucking tainted. At this point Günter should be running for the hills already.

"You're still here." I mumble, taking a quick glance at him and went on to look at the soles of my bare feet, which are now so fucking dirty with soot, grime, and God knows what else I've stepped on.

"Yeah, of course, I'm here," his reply, gently running his palms up and down my arms in a soothing and comforting manner. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm — I'm okay." I lie, trying to make my voice sound more convincing. Everything is a far cry from okay. 

"Let me see those eyes?" Günter holds my chin with his thumb and index fingers, and I tip my head up to find his beautiful blue eyes looking down on my glum, deep browns. "Yeah, you're definitely not okay." He whispers, then tucks my hair behind my ear.

I hold his wrist, which was cupping and caressing my cheek. If Levi hadn't turned up at my apartment, Günter and I might have done this whole eye-fucking thing about an hour ago. And I'm probably in bed already with him and have had like, three or four wonderful orgasms.

But right now I just feel like total shit. I left Günter alone here in my apartment and made him look like a fool while I ran after Levi like the pathetic little creature that I am. Way to keep my fucking ducks in a row. I'm a two-faced, double-dealing, deceitful slut. This already goes way beyond my traumas and fears at this point. This is just me. I'm a complete disaster.

"I'm okay." I maintain, blankly staring at the space above Günter's shoulder. I just can't look at him right now. I'm so full of shame.

"Alright." He murmurs, and holds my face with both his hands. He moves his body closer to mine and slowly leans down for a kiss.

My nerves just got all wracked-up again with Günter's proximity. I know he knows that I'm upset, and that he's trying to comfort me, but I don't think I can do this whole thing right now. I honestly want to be... left alone.

His soft, perfect lips touch mine, and I close my eyes, trying to figure out if his kiss will make everything somehow... better. I open my mouth and meet his tongue, and Günter lowers his hands to my hips, his hard-on pressed against my stomach.

I break our kiss and quickly pull away from him, feeling so awkward and uncomfortable as I take a step back. I look up at him apologetically. "I'm sorry Günter, I can't — I can't do this."

He twitches his lip into half a smile. "Yeah, I know." He shrugs, then walks back to the couch to take a seat. "Let's just talk, then?" He suggests coolly.

I nod and follow him, sitting down right next to Günter. I let out a tired breath and clasp my hands together, hanging my head down. Fuck. I guess I just royally screwed up everything tonight: Levi, Günter, myself. I deserve everything that's happening to me.

"Let me guess, it's your boss-friend?" He asks, breaking the silence. "That guy... he's the same dude you were with at the bar? The night we saw each other again, yes?"

I twist my mouth into a pout and slowly nod.

"You know, Charlie... When I saw you two that night, I actually thought he was your boyfriend." Günter mumbles, and I stare at him, my face all scrunched up. Why do people keep saying this to me? Can't a guy and a girl hang out in a public place and not be mistaken or assumed to be in a relationship? What the hell is wrong with people? Seriously.