EXES AND OH'S

Sucker Punch

"Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" I turn around and run back to the listening booth. My chest feels like it's going to explode, and my body shudders with cold as if I was poured a bucket of ice-cold water over my head.

"Charlie, the fuck is happening with you?" Levi asked, following me inside.

I heaved breaths, hyperventilating and feeling a crashing amount of adrenaline throughout my whole body. I lean my forehead against the wall and bang my fist at it a couple of times. 

Fucking shit. This is why I should stop from thinking about my exes. They manifest and turn to twisted fucking reality right in front of me. 

"Hey, Charlie. You're freaking me out!" Levi grabs for my shoulders, turns me around to face him, and looks at me with worried eyes.

I push his hands away and I peek through the curtains, checking if Zach was still outside. Of course he is. I march back to the corner of the booth and sit on the upholstered bench. "This fucking hellspawn. Why don't you just fucking kill me right now! Ugh!" I screech in frustration and fear, burying my face in my hands.

"Hey, what the fuck is happening, woman?" Levi scoots in front of me and removes my hands from my face.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath. "You know how and why I can throw a really good punch?"

He just raised his eyebrows at me, all-ears.

"Did you see that guy near the counter?"

"The smug poser-artist-type in the Andy Warhol shirt? Yeah, I saw him." That comment of his totally made me smile even just for a second. That's a great way to put it, Levi. But yeah, Zach is a total poser. "So, what's up with that dude?" He asked.

I closed my eyes and let out a huge sigh. "That guy's my ex, Zach." I open my eyes and search for Levi's cool, comforting green irises. "Me and Zach, um, a few years ago..."

I went on to tell Levi a brief summary of my year-long highly abusive and traumatic relationship with Zach. I don't know what went through my mind - and why I felt the need to tell him that deeply personal and harrowing event in my life. I haven't told anyone about it. It's a part of my past that I'm so afraid and ashamed to talk about. 

See, the thing about being in a relationship like the one I had with Zach is, once you finally get out - you don't actually get out. All of it stays with you, it sticks and haunts you everywhere you go. You'll see that vile person who did you all kinds of wrong when you're wide awake, there will always be a fucking reminder even in your happiest days. Hell, even when you're deep in sleep. You always live in constant worry and fear. It's bad that you still get flashbacks and nightmares and all that shit that comes with the trauma from physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; but nothing compares to when you see your abuser in the flesh. It's just a whole new level of fear. You're reminded that it was all real, you didn't dream it. And then you get to relive the worst days of your life all over again. All the hurt, pain, shame - it all comes back like it all just happened yesterday.

I swallow a lump in my throat and hold back tears. Take a slow, deep breath, Charlie. You can fucking pull through this! My mind tells me to toughen up and fight rather than do a fucking flight. But it's never that easy. Flight might be the best idea at the moment.

"So he was in prison for a couple of days and eventually got out after he posted bail?" Levi asked.

I can tell from his face that he's flustered and infuriated. Why? I don't know. I give him a small nod and look down on my black Converse high cut sneakers.