EXES AND OH'S

Old Habits Die Hard

"Okay, honey. Torna al tuo posto. Uncle Kurt and I will be just right here." I tell Luna to go ahead and hit the playground and join the other kids, to which she screeches with an overly-happy, high-pitched 'Yes!'. My little moon runs off into the sandbox, hopping in glee towards the white, sandy ground.

Luna, Kurt and I are at the park near the beach, and it's a really fine Saturday afternoon. It's just a few minutes past 3PM. The mighty sun is still hanging a little high up in the clear, blue sky, but the gentle winter heat and gushing of the mild November wind feels so good against my skin.

My baby girl has been asking me to visit the beach playground all week. And since she did a great job memorizing her vowels and consonants at pre-school, and she didn't bite no classmate for a week straight, I thought she deserved a really fun play time today. Uncle Kurt promised her a big-ass cotton candy too, and that I bet will give me another headache because Luna gets fricking hyper when she's having sugar high.

And I don't want to be a total bitch mom and be all tough and strict at my kid, but I feel like I shouldn't be spoiling her so much as well. I know, this is just one of the most daunting things about being a single mom. I have to try and maintain balance every single time I'm dealing with my toddler because it's just me that's raising her. There's no good cop, bad cop — cause I have to both. Well, technically speaking, Luna also has her Uncle Kurt... who's way more than happy to help and share with the parenting responsibilities. 

But still...

I let out a long, tired breath and hunch my shoulders as I take a seat on the bench. 

"So, what are you gonna do now?" Kurt asks nonchalantly and sits down beside me, pulling me out of my deep thoughts. 

And yeah, I already told him everything that happened last night; me meeting Levi, me going weak once more and falling into Levi's dick-sand, and me being fucked by him again literally and figuratively. 

My heart and mind is a thick mush right now. I thought I was gonna have my happy ending. But, who the fuck was I kidding? Levi and I were doomed from the start. I shouldn't have expected too much, cause I just set myself up from that inevitable heartbreak and disappointment.

So now going back to Kurt's question. What am I gonna do now? I honestly don't know the answer to that. I can't keep Luna a secret from Levi forever. He has to know, and my daughter deserves to know who her father is too. But Levi being married and having his own family now just makes it more complicated.

He told me, if he could just go back in time, two or three years ago, he'd tell his old self to stop forgetting about me. Well, he literally tried to forget me by marrying and getting someone knocked up! Fucking hell. See, that statement of his makes much more sense now.

Did I fucking trump up on the notion that Levi would have just waited for me like that? Like I was the eternal love of his life, and then now that our paths crossed again he can just go and ditch his family like I'm Katherine Heigl? Well my life is definitely not a fucking romantic comedy! Right now it seems more like a sad documentary about an insane spinster.

Although... I really felt it when Levi said that he still loves me, cause I'm feeling all the same. But fuck him, seriously. What was he thinking? That I'd want to be with him and be a frickin' home-wrecker? I just can't believe the chutzpah of that prick. Levi has gotten worse, way fucking worse — from a spoilt-rotten asshole to a lying, cheating husband.

I take a deep breath and let it all out. "Yeah, I don't think I'm ready to tell Levi about... Luna. Not yet." I mutter, my gaze fixed on my baby girl as she played on the sandbox. "And it's not just because I'm so fucking mad at him. But, I think he'll seriously fuck up his marriage if I do. I just... I don't know Kurt. I've ruined enough people. I don't want to be someone who breaks up a family, I'm just not that kind of person. I'll never be that person." I add and emphasize, shaking my head and profusely blinking the thought out of my head.