EXES AND OH'S

311

I feel like I'm going to pass out. Holy shit, there's like a thousand horses stomping on my chest right now. 

I can't breathe. I can't move. I can't think.

Charlie, fucking snap out of it!

Levi scrambled himself up quickly from the floor and slid his hands inside his jeans' back pockets. He started to take a few steps towards me as I stood stock still on the stairs' landing.  

My heart is whispering something to my brain, which I couldn't quite comprehend. It's so faint, even softer than a whisper. While my mind is clearly telling me to move and bolt to the door. I decide to go with the latter.

"Charlie." He mumbles as I march past him. 

"Aren't you going to ask me where I've been? Maybe you want to know if I've been slutting it up with my neighbor from upstairs?" I mutter sarcastically, my fingers trembling as I hurriedly insert the keys to my door.

"Charlie, I'm so-" 

"Go away, Levi!" I screech as I head straight inside my unit, slamming the door right at his face. He's just going to apologize, like for the millionth time. I should have asked this donkey to give me a dollar every time he says he's sorry. At this point I would have been a millionaire already.

But now I just can't listen more to anything that will come out of his mouth. All he ever does is hurt me and step on me. I don't need that kind of shit in my life.

"Please just let me talk to-"

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I bang my fist hard at the cold metal door and turn to lean my back against it. I run my fingers through my hair as I feel tears start to well up from the corners of my eyes again, and this time, I let them freely flow down my cheeks. 

Levi really is a dum-dum. What part of 'don't ever fucking talk to me ever again' does he not understand? He managed not to talk to me for more than a week straight and now he's right outside my door begging for me to talk to him? What else does he fucking want?

My head hurts and feels like it's going to split in half - just like my heart. Something tells me to open the door and let him in, but the rational part of me says to stay the fuck away from him.

Everything about this guy is a conflict. It's hard being around with him. One minute, we're fine. And then the next, we're screaming and shouting at each other. It's always like a fucking rollercoaster. Just like about half an hour ago, when I finally admitted to myself that I'm in love with this prick. And now I'm having conflicting emotions again. Just seeing him and breathing in the same air with him makes me so hopping mad. 

He's driving me so fucking insane.

If this is love, I'd rather just get my money back and buy another heart to wear on my sleeve. Love shouldn't be this confusing, it shouldn't be making things out of whack. It's just turning me into a complete mess and make me second guess myself and all the things that I used to want to be.

"Just go away, Levi!" I maintain, sniffling through hot, unrestrained tears.

I feel the door move a little from behind me. He's probably leaning against the door, too - our backs against each other with the door serving as a barrier. That's right, a barrier is good. I have to build a wall around him for the sake of protecting my heart and sanity. I can't just let him into my life and ruin me... because that shit's inevitable.

"Charlie," I hear him mutter from the other side. It hurts to hear his voice and not be able to look at his pretty green eyes. But this is what's best. "Charlie, I... I just wanted to let you know that I- I missed you. And I'm really sorry."