EXES AND OH'S

Flash

My life changed in a flash — I'm pregnant. 

Thirteen days, when I found out. 

Kurt, like the awesomest and most loving and caring best friend that he is, bought me a home pregnancy test kit. So I took the test that same afternoon, and when two red lines appeared on the indicator showing that it's positive, he immediately took me to Sinai for an ultrasound.

So, yeah. The ultrasound result and age of gestation confirms that — it's Levi's. He got me knocked up.

I was wondering the whole fucking time how in the fuck this could have happened. I never missed taking my mini-pill because it's part of my daily routine; I wake up with an alarm, take a dump, hop on the shower, brush my teeth, and then pop on the pill. It's what I've always done, religiously, since I became sexually active. I was always careful... because I never wanted to get pregnant. 

And that's when I realized, I missed taking a pill that fateful Monday morning — that day Levi and Kurt baked bread. I slept through the alarm, hence the reason why I got off my cycle. I totally forgot to take contraception because Levi and I had sex again in the shower, and then on my bed, after having bathed together. I just missed one time. One day, one pill.

But then the gynecologist thoroughly explained that upon missing one pill, I could have instantly gotten pregnant in those two days that I had unprotected intercourse. She also told me that even if I was taking my mini-pill religiously and correctly, it's not a hundred percent effective. There's still room for a fluke.

Everything started to make sense after that. Levi and I never used protection, anyway. We've always done it raw. It's my damned fucking fault. I was too reckless. Honestly, what was I thinking? A baby should never be a surprise if a guy and a girl is having sex without a condom. I mean, what in the hell did I fucking expect? A plasma TV to come out of my vagina? 

Fucking hell.

I'm so gosh darn stupid. I'm even worse and way more stupider than Kim Kardashian during that one time she played poker in Vegas with goddamn reflective sunglasses on. Yes, she did. And yes, I did something that's absolutely dumber than that.

And out of all the expecting women that came out of the gynecologist's room, I was the only one who wasn't smiling. Well, Kurt was. He's overjoyed by the idea that he's going to be a guncle — a gay uncle, that is. It's like he was the one who was conceiving and not me. He's obviously excited. Me? Not at all. I'm feeling all kinds of scared and worried.

This... thing that I have in my body, just made everything more complicated. I'm about to get married to a guy who's not the baby daddy.

I have a fucking lot to figure out. I don't even know what I should do first. Though one thing's for sure, I cannot go on and marry Günter without him knowing about this. It's not like I can stop my tummy from growing, anyway. He'll definitely notice, and I cannot lie and tell him that this is his. 

There's only one thing I can think of that will enable me to keep this a secret. And that is... if I get rid of this, early on in my pregnancy.

I'm seriously thinking of that option. I know you may think that this is very irresponsible and selfish of me — it's not the fetus' fault. It's my fault, for letting Levi blow up his fireworks in me like it's the friggin' fourth of July every goddamn time we had sex. I'm aware of that. But at the end of the day, this is still my body, it's for me to decide. Yep, I'm a heartless, wicked bitch and a real monster from hell.