EXES AND OH'S

Social (Self-righteous) Suicide

More than a week has passed since Levi and I last talked to each other.

I've been avoiding him at all costs, and I think he's trying to do the same. Whenever I would get a glimpse of him or we come across each other in the office, especially after that night we had that  huge ugly argument outside that cocktail bar in my neighborhood, I feel like my heart would explode right out of my chest. I've never been so nervous around him. I must admit, not being able to look at his pretty green eyes and not speak with him kinda sucks. I guess I've grown fond of his asshole ways and his stupid mouth. Because I know, I am in many ways, like him.

But he hurt me. So bad. How dare that cunt call me a cumbucket? 

Alright, maybe I was acting all flirty, dirty, and slutty around Günter. But Levi could have just told me then to simmer down and not act like a wench instead of calling me that. He had a point, though. He was indeed acting like a friend, and he reminded me not to slut it up. But still...

Ah, fuck a duck. I am losing my mind again. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. I don't like how Levi is fucking with my brain.

Slut.

He's probably thinking what a huge slut I am. But it doesn't seem fair that he's judging me if I was indeed sleeping around - which I don't, just because what, I'm a woman? Levi's quite the manwhore himself but he wears it like a badge of honor. He's frickin' proud of it. Every guy who sleeps with his fair share of girls is an absolute legend. Yet, us girls are branded as whores for enjoying sex. We both have hormones and we both have mental and physical needs to meet, so why the stereotype?

Society is really fucked up. 

A guy sleeps with different girls, he's cool. But when a woman sleeps around with different men, she's a ho-bag? And then, she'll be the talk of the town and will have a fucking rep because of the majority's twisted view of morality. Not that I'm concerned about my virtue, which I probably have none, and I don't give a single fuck. It's just that ladies always get the restraint, restriction, and bad reputation. Whereas guys can just schlepp and gallop their way to promiscuity but still get the upper hand.

In this demented world where us women are living in right now, having sex with different guys is a social suicide. Fucking double standard.

 So fuck society, fuck the sentiment of morality, fuck Levi, and fuck my screwed up mind. 

I take a deep breath and let it all out as I sip from my cup of chamomile tea. This doesn't seem to have any calming effect like it so advertised. Or maybe I just have so much anger and trouble in me right now.

If Levi and I didn't go to that stupid bar and get into an argument, we might be having fun right now - binge watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, maybe get high again, joke around, talk about anything and everything, and then make a petty squabble about it. I mean, that's at least how I envision Friday nights if I spent it with him. 

Yet here I am, all alone in my apartment, down in my sweater and underwear drinking tea like a crazy cat lady. Dear Lord, I don't even have cats. I am so fucking alone! Maybe I should get one, or ten. And then if I die in my apartment, I'll be cat chow. At least my life served some purpose. Or maybe the cat venom would turn me into Catwoman like what happened to Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. So badass.

God, I never thought I'd ever feel more alone since I decided to be single. I actually contemplated on going with my dads' trip to Miami, but then Tim's birthday dinner was moved tomorrow instead of last week because he had flu. So ultimately, their Florida trip was moved, too. And then there's Günter, he didn't call or text me back like he said he would. It's just the loneliest week of my life. I literally have nowhere to go, and nobody to be with.