EXES AND OH'S

Real Love, Baby

I feel so dizzy, nauseous, and my head and extremities are all prickly and numb. I'm feeling cold all over. It's like my chest and gut has been thrown into the blast freezer. My eyes are open but I'm blacking out. I'm about to lose consciousness, I'm pretty sure of it. I fucking hate this feeling. This same, exact, ugly feeling. It's nine-year-old me all over again — paralyzed with fear, shaking like a leaf. 

"We're almost there," Levi mumbles, clasping his warm hand around my cold and clammy palms on top of my thighs. "Tim's gonna be okay." His promise, and how I wish he's saying the truth. 

I haven't prayed for quite a long time. But please, God, I'm begging you just this one time... not my dad.

Hot tears fall from my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away as Levi finally pulls up his dad's convertible on the side of Cedars-Sinai's North Tower emergency entrance.

"I'll just find a parking spot and I'll follow you right up." Levi leans over and hurriedly unlocks my side of the door.

"No, it's — it's okay. Th-thanks for driving me here." I stammer, still trembling and all thumbs as I try to unbuckle my seatbelt. "You should get back to the party. I... I really feel so fucking embarrassed that I had to leave that way, and I — I didn't even get to properly explain everything to Isaac and Nat. I bummed up and ruined their night. Tonight's supposed to be about them." I mutter, frantic as I couldn't unstrap myself out the frigging seatbelt. "Ugh! What the fuck!? Why is this fucking happening!?"

I angrily bang my fists on top of my thighs, out of fucking frustration, anxiety, terror, and dread that's been sitting deep in the pit of my stomach.

"Charlie, hey. Hey, calm down." Levi grabs for my wrists then takes me in his arms, holding me tight and running his palms up and down my back. 

I bury my face on Levi's shoulder and finally succumb to ugly tears and full-blown sobs. I never had anyone do this for me; just holding me, soothing me, trying to calm me down. And it feels... nice. 

"I'm so fucking scared." I whisper in between sobs, trying to steady my breathing.

"I'm here." Levi softly utters against my hair while holding the back of my head. "You've been through the toughest shit, Charlie. This, you can get through this."

I pull away from his embrace and get a grip of myself, wiping the waterworks from my eyes. I'm pretty sure I look like shit right now, but I don't care. I needed a good cry to keep my head and decompress. "Thank you." I return Levi's gaze and sniffle.

He gives me a little smile, then unbuckles my seatbelt. "You better go now and check on your dad."

"Don't — don't leave me." I mumble under my breath, looking deep into Levi's calming green eyes.

"I won't. I love you." He presses his lips to mine and quickly pulls away. "Go, go."

Feeling a thousand pounds lighter, I step out of the car and rush straight into the ER. I get strange stares from the nurses and people as I tread through the lobby. Of course, it's because I'm just wearing teeny-tiny shorts, flip-flops, and Levi's button-up plaid shirt over my string bikini top. I probably look like a homeless, coked-up prostitute. But to hell with these people! I just couldn't give a single fuck right now.

Phil isn't answering my phone calls and texts, which just makes me all the more nervous. I make a run towards the nurse's station instead to ask for Tim's whereabouts. The kind blonde nurse checked for my dad's info on her computer, then politely gave me directions to the IM Hematology ward, where my dad is being checked in.