EXES AND OH'S

Bella Luna

My whole world is going down the toilet.

There just couldn't be a more definite and accurate statement; I'm getting married, I'm pregnant, I'm feeling like dying every time I wake up in the morning, I feel so weak, sick and terrible, I'm so far away from my dads which keeps me constantly anxious and worried, and of course... I just broke up with the guy I'm truly, madly, and deeply in love with — who also happens to be the father of this... little creature I'm carrying inside me.

It's been a few weeks since I ended it with Levi. I contemplated on texting him, or calling him just once to ask how he's doing. But I figured it's not the best to do that. I'm just making it harder for myself, and probably for him too. I've seen up close how wrecked he was, and I didn't want to cause him more pain. It's better that he really move on. He deserves someone better — not a deranged, super fucked up monster like me.

Since then, it's like my whole world stopped. I actually lost track of date and time already. Some days, I wake up early to prepare for work only to find out that it's a Saturday. I'm like... sucked into a blackhole that I can't get out of. I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't even know how far along I am in my pregnancy.

So now I'm seated one of the cold, dreadful, metal hospital benches right outside the sterile lobby of my gynecologist's clinic, patiently waiting in queue with other expectant mothers who all seemed way too overjoyed and excited to have their tummies and vaginas ogled.

Kurt took me here, and was actually the one who reminded me that today is my second scheduled appointment. He's so excited about me being pregnant, and the thought of him taking care of this... once it's finally out of me. I haven't told him yet about my plan of getting an abortion, but neither does Günter. 

My poor fiancé still doesn't have a single clue that there's one up the duff. Maybe it's because my tummy is still flat, nothing has really changed with my body yet. Well, my boobs and butt are a little firmer — which Günter really enjoys. And I know what you're thinking, I'm a little Satan for letting this guy do me while I'm pregnant with another guy.

Don't worry, I've had this all figured out already. I'm planning to telling Günter right before he leaves for Chicago this weekend. Now whatever happens after that, I leave it all up to the universe. If he breaks up with me, I'll be fine. If he still wants me, I suppose it's fine too. I guess that will make him more fucked up than I am, for still wanting to be with me and marrying me despite getting cheating on him repeatedly and getting knocked up by another dude.

I don't care anymore what the universe has in store for me. I've long given up on the thought that I can control things. Cause truth is, I don't have the power to do that — I never did. So I'm playing out all my cards now and just let life decide if I win or lose. It's not like I still have something or someone to lose anyway. I've already lost my soul, my virtue, my dignity, my heart, my love... I've sold it all to Günter. There really isn't anything more valuable left of me anymore. 

"Babe, what do you think of my outfit?" Kurt pulls me out of my helpless, abysmal thoughts. He's sitting down beside me on the steel bench. He will even go inside the clinic to hear everything the doctor had to say. Right now, all the people in here might be thinking that Kurt is my baby daddy. Well, I don't care. Kurt is a decent person and if he'd gotten me pregnant in a parallel universe, I'd totally be fine with that.

I scrunch my face and narrow my eyes, looking at Kurt from head to foot. He's wearing a white dress shirt, black knit cardigan, pinstripe trousers, oxford shoes and... a fucking corset. Christ almighty. He looks like if The Penguin from Batman decided to be gay, sprinkled with an extra doze of crazy. All he's missing now is the satin top hat.