EXES AND OH'S

Speak of the Devil and He Doth Appear

Tuesday was uneventful and a real fucking drag.

Meetings were all done before lunchtime, and here I stand inside the copy and supply room scanning a stack of documents - doing the ultimate cliché assistant job. I know, I'm having the time of my life. I could definitely ask Dan to do this but then I'd literally have nothing to do.

Maybe bored is okay. Bored is definitely better than drama.

I close my eyes and think about all the things that happened yesterday. Levi kissing me and making me dripping wet inside the listening booth. I actually liked that kiss, to be honest... Or the feel of it at least. It was hot and spiky. Levi is a really good kisser. But he is such a dickhead. Huge ass-wipe thinking he could be all prince charming and be up out there defending my honor. Pfft.

And then there's Zach. All along I thought I was strong enough already, that if I'd ever see him again in person I'd be able to face him and act all tough like I'm invincible. But I just trembled and hid from him like a total coward.

I take a deep breath and sigh. Maybe I would never be able to move forward from all this. Perhaps, I'm doomed and will end up single and screwed all my life.

Dear Lord, what did I ever do to deserve this shitstorm?

Holy cow, maybe I did something - a lot of things, actually. This is God's wrath upon me, punishing my horny ass for slutting it up at a very young age. 

If there's a person to blame it's definitely not me. This is all Günter Baumann's fault. 

I was still in eighth grade back then. Günter is the super hot foreign exchange student from Austria. Wavy blonde hair, eyes as blue as the summer sky, full pink lips, those cute freckles sprinkled all over the bridge of his nose, and he's quite tall for our tender age of thirteen. 

I know, right? 

Every girl in school was creaming for the fucker. But I wasn't interested in the very least because believe it or not, I was innocent as a lamb back then.

And so, one day at the cafeteria during lunch, Günter approached my table and asked me, 'Do you want to try wiener?', in his super thick but sexy German accent. Being that he is from Austria, my old, gullible virginal self was thinking he was just offering me halfsies of his lunch. So I said, 'Yes, of course'. Next thing I know, we were already inside the broom closet. Günter made me try his authentic wiener. My God, that was some real good Austrian sausage and it was my lunch for sixty days. 

I was so sad and dry after Günter flew back to Austria. I missed our time together, so much so that after he was gone I still hung out by myself inside the broom closet. And that's where I met Cody. He's the cute ex-con who worked as janitor in our school during day and was the frontman of a heavy metal band at night.

Cody was twenty-three at the time and was in and out of jail for illegal drug use and possession. He said he wanted to turn things around and be clean. So he literally cleaned, taking a job as a school janitor. And the name of his heavy metal band? Slip Not. Oh, the fucking laugh.

He's a dead ringer of Silverchair's Daniel Johns, while he had the brains of Beavis and Butthead combined. So yeah, I taught Cody some math and science stuff while he taught and demonstrated to me some dyslexic pussy alphabet. I swear, that guy could definitely teach some classes at Rosetta Stone with his mad tongue skills.

So it was us for a while until his ass was caught in yet another drug bust. Cody was replaced by a rude and acne-ridden butch, so I never hung out inside the broom closet again.

Lastly, there's Mister Wilson, our chemistry teacher during Junior year. He's such a daddy - literally and figuratively. He had a young wife whom we heard was also a previous student from our very same school, and they had a two-year-old kid. So that makes him a fucking manther. I failed chemistry in purpose just so he could give me a one-on-one talk. Mister Wilson gave me an F. I offered him a blowjob, and needless to say, he gave me the D.

Fuck, maybe I really need some good ole' repentance. I've been such a trollop and everything that's happening and had happened is definitely karma biting me back in the ass.

All my exes; Tom, Zach, Brian. And oh, let's include that squirt Levi. That whole night of drunken sex with him was definitely part of my karma. Now he lives rent-free in my head on a New York City premium fucking rate.

"Hey," Levi greeted, startling me yet again as he closed the door behind him. Speak of the devil and he doth appear. The fuck is he doing here in the copy room?

I decide to ignore him and just went on to finish the last of the record portfolio I needed to scan. I managed to successfully dodge and ignore him all day, anyway. So this one's going to be easy-peasy.

"Do you mind making copies of these for me?" He asks me, and I don't make eye contact. 

I scream internally like a winner. Why didn't he ask his own assistant to do this for him? I just grabbed the document from Levi and do what he asked me. He's still the fucking boss, I remind myself.

Levi leans his ass on the desk beside the copy machine and rests his palms on the edge. I can totally feel his eyes on me. 

Jesus Fuck. He's making me feel all hot and antsy again. "Here, Mr. Steinmetz. All done." I place his copied documents on top of the table just right beside him. As much as I would like to leave, I still have to finish scanning some more of Jesse's documents. 

He snickered. "Mr. Steinmetz? What happened to just Levi?"

Levi already died a thousand agonizing deaths in my mind. I scream so loud inside my head. The fact that I was so angry with him last night and that he seemed to have completely forgotten about it is infuriating me like The Winnebago Man. "Is there anything else you needed from me, Sir?" I ask as I finally look him in the eye, he just gives me this devilish lopsided grin.

"Sir? Damn, Charlie. You're making me so fucking hard right now." He bites his lip and takes a quick look at his crotch.

I roll my jaws and take a deep breath to control the fury boiling underneath my skin. "First of all, you cannot say things like that inside the workplace, Levi." I snarled at him. "Second, have you completely forgotten what you did last night? I'm still angry about everything, let me just remind you! Lastly, if you ever plan to talk to me again inside office premises, we need some ground rules. And the very first is forget that we had sex and never talk about it!" I pick up his documents and shove it hard on his chest.

"Okay, first, I already said I'm sorry yesterday. Right? And come on, you can't stay mad at me because I punched your fucking ex! You have to admit, seeing him on the ground like that felt nice." He smiles wickedly at me. Well, it actually kinda did. Zach totally deserved it. "And alright, noted on the sexual remarks. I'm sorry about that." 

If I had a dime every time he fucking apologized. I roll my eyes.

"Third," he went on. "Hypothetically, if we're outside work, can we talk about... the sex?"

Is he serious now? "No! We won't ever talk of it again! What happened to pretending it never happened?"

"I tried to pretend but-"

"Then try harder! Fuck! You just can't hold on to your pants!" I whisper-yell at him and quickly turn to the door. Seriously, we shouldn't even be talking about this stuff at work. This fucker knows no bounds. 

Horny and flustered, I hurriedly walk out of the copy room. I can't stay a second more when we're all alone in there. I'm seriously thinking of us making out and doing very indecent things. Like maybe, Levi sliding his dick inside me as I sit on top of the working copy machine.