EXES AND OH'S

Dead Beating Heart

Learning about Tim's condition has sent me into a state of catatonic shock. 

I'm like a zombie now, eternally dead inside but still dragging my tired body on earth. I'm just trying to get on by with my now humdrum life, living my mundane assistant job, scanning stacks upon stacks of documents on a glum Thursday afternoon.

Jesse has been trying to get me to come to band meets and scouts since he came back, but I wasn't really in the mood because first, Tim, and second, Levi. 

Levi and I stopped talking to each other completely. And since Monday, I've only seen him once or twice in the hall. I know he's been avoiding me, I've been doing the same, and it's all for the best.

The week passed like a blur. A stressful, surreal, blur. Have you even woken up in the morning feeling like you're trapped in a different world? Like, you start wondering where you are, who you are, and what your purpose is? I've never felt so blank. I feel like I'm just a huge blob of... nothingness. Hell, I can't even make a joke now. My humor is all I have left for myself, keeping me from going insane. And now I've totally, completely gone mental.

I've been reading that book Tim gave me about letting go and shit, but it just makes me remember things more, holding on to feelings more. I gave up on it entirely last night, and decide to just go back to it when I'm on a better state of mind.

I hear the door creak and I look behind me. Dan peeks his head and slowly opens the door, like checking if I was indeed inside the copy room. Goodness, why is he acting like a serial killer?

Though I haven't noticed 'til now, but dang, this kid's never looked more handsome! Dan's legit looking like a total stud now. He's probably done it with Julia already, and I'm so thrilled for him. At least I was able to help somebody out, set one's life to a better course. Dan badly needed the push, and look at him now, he's glowing and happy. Well, everyone in the office seems happy and chuffed lately. Say, Whitney and the two college interns she's training. They couldn't stop giggling, all day. It's like they're sitting on vibrators. Jesus Christ.

"Psst, Charlie!" He opens his mouth and suddenly I see and hear the old geeky Dan again. Handsome Dan poofs like into a cloud of smoke, gone into thin air.

"Dan, seriously, why you gotta sneak in and tip-toe like the Pink Panther?" I mutter, trying not to sound super bitchy. "You're not my pot dealer! You don't need to act like we're about to do shady business."

He snorts like I just told him a joke. "Yeah, uh, Jesse wants you in his office," he eyes the documents I'm scanning on the machine. "Do you want me to finish all of that for you? I mean, the way boss asked for you, it kinda sounded like it's urgent." Dan scratches the tip of his nose, which absolutely looks like a cute nerdy gesture.

"Nah, let Jesse wait." I smile wickedly, and open the last three portfolios I needed to scan.

"Alright, then," Dan shrugs his shoulders and pats my back kindly. "Just holler if you need my help." He tries for a wink, and it turned out really cringey rather than hot. Oh, Dan. Really. He goes out of the room and I finish my task.

I stack the finished documents neatly on top of the table beside the copy machine, and flick away the small lints off my black long-sleeved bodycon dress.

The door opens again and I roll my eyes. Must be Dan, forgotten to say something again, like always. "What is it this time, Dan?" I hear footsteps behind me and when I don't hear him answer, I turn around to see who just stepped inside the copy room. Blazing green eyes meet my deep dark browns.