Trustworthy help

62. Nostalgia

What if I told you,
Things don't get better.

And then,
If I told you,
You can only change your prospective on those things.
Would it make you feel better?

Because,
The damage is already done,
And now you're left in the chaos of the aftermath.

Pain.
Torture.
And millions of thoughts.

Though no one touches you,
And no one is close to you,
you're left with pain caused my others.

Let it hurt or let it go.

For the damage done by others,
Is,

Unforgettable

I blink my eyes a couple of times. I watch as raindrops fall onto the bedroom window. My heart feels heavy, as if it's weighing me down into the bed, making me not want to get up. I look behind me to find the other side of the bed empty. 8:36 am. I have today off so I stay in bed, tracing the covers with my fingers as the soft fabric smells like fresh laundry. Corpse must have done it. I don't want to face him today. I don't want to look at him for a day. I don't think I can. I think I'm scared. My mind is blank and foggy as I stare at the window. The urge of going outside on my own to go for a walk is immense. I sigh and sit up, my eyes feeling heavy from crying.

I get up, dressing in jeans, a shirt and one of corpse's sweaters. I quietly make my way down the stairs, not wanting corpse to hear me make my way out. I grab my keys and head out.

When I step out of the building, I look up with my eyes closed. The cold raindrops calm my heavy heart. I start to go on my way. I walk a few blocks till I reach the park, the sound of the rain on the leaves making me smile weakly. I breath in the earthy smell, feeling homesick to where I grew up. Or rather, to how happy I could be back then. The risk of getting chronically ill didn't exist back then. Being stripped of your self worth and privacy was unimaginable. Being in love with someone who pushes me away, and makes me scared about his well being after he yells for some video and sounds like he's going to loose his voice..... was just a nightmare, of which my mom would wake me up and comfort me. Keeping me in that save little world, where I didn't have to worry about a thing. How I miss the way my mother was. How I miss the innocence of a child's life.

Though it soon ended. It was like a switch. One day you live that normal child's life. The next..... you come home to police and ambulances at your front door. You're world just flips. Then you're safe world, at the age of six, turns into a damaging and terrifying one. Suddenly, you're protected world gets left unprotected. And then what?

I sigh as I look up at my surroundings. The muddy path and wet trees. The pattern of rain on everything. Nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. That's me. That's my life. Left in my own protection. Soon I found out that I wanted to protect the ones that protect others. The army came into view. The one thing I wanted and the only goal I had. It brought some peace into my life. I ranked up quickly, gained experience at insane speed. It's my safe world. My protection.

Though now, even that changed.
It's not my protection, because I'll hurt someone. At first it wouldn't matter wether I got shot or burned or killed. I had nothing anyways. But now there's someone waiting for me.

I look at the direction of the apartment.

I've never been too close with anyone. Simply to protect myself. But he just slipped into my life. Became the only defense and protection I had. If I get killed, he'll get left behind with the pain. On his own. But I can't leave him. I can't leave my job. So I'm stuck at a crossroads. How fucked up can things get? How messed up can this world become? I thought I had seen everything. But then suddenly...

Love

The one thing that fucks people up more then any other thing. If I get shot, it hurts. But I'll get patched up and it'll be over. When something happens to corpse or to us, it doesn't just get patched up. It doesn't just stop.

He,
Makes my safe space unsafe.

But the confusing part is,

Maybe I want him too.