Dear Katharine

November 22, 20xx 1:03 A.M.

Nov. 22, 20xx
1:03 A.M.

Dear Kath,
I feel so sad. I feel terrible as if I'm in a deep hole and there's just darkness surrounding me. And the glimpse of light that gives me hope has disappeared like a small fire on a candle blown by the wind.
We buried Kuya Ian yesterday. His parents decided to cremate his body and conduct his wake for only two days. There were many people who attended who I wished never did. They spoke evil of Kuya Ian. Some said he deserved what he got. How heartless! Why is it that we are the ones suffering instead of those despicable human beings! But I don't want anyone to go through what I'm going through, especially what Jenna is going through, nor what Kuya Ian wen through. All I ask is for them to be considerate, for them to cry with us because of the horrible things we have no control of but befell upon us.
Chard was also there. I guess I should start calling him Kuya Chard again. I ignored him because I cannot get myself to talk to him without crying or being angry. It's just that every time I see him I feel bad about myself even though I don't know why. It felt I wasn't enough. My old insecurities have come back and torture me while I'm grieving with what's going on around me. I feel so ugly. I feel like I am not light-skinned enough that's why he got bored of me even though that wasn't the reason we broke up. Awhile ago, I took a shower and scrubbed my skin with Papaya soap until it felt numb, until I have turned my internal pain to my body by scratching myself. Crying in the shower has been more frequent. What's worse is that I have to go to school and pretend like I'm okay when clearly I want to just stay all day in bed and cry.
Talking to Rob is not as fun as it used to be, but I appreciate his sensitivity whenever I tell him how I feel. We haven't spoken for so long because Kuya Chard was jealous of him before. What a jerk! I sacrificed things just for him only to leave me in the end. I mean, I wish him well. I wish that he'll feel better, but I couldn't believe things will end this way even though I knew from the very beginning that we won't last.
Kath, I listen to Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer and I wish the same things said in that song. I wish that we are in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where we could choose to erase memories that hurt us.
I just want to be okay.