Dear Katharine

December 20, 20xx 11:23 p.m.

11:23 PM
Dear Kath,
    
                   Mama just told me to pack all my stuff because we will be leaving on Christmas eve. She must have contacted the husband of her friend's cousin who works at the Canadian embassy because she got all our the needed papers within two days. I don't know how much she had to pay, but she told me once we landed on Calgary, Canada, she will be applying for a job. She hopes that there is a vacancy at the hospital Papa works for so it would be easier for her to adjust to our coming new life.
                  But she told me I should stop giving her a headache because we have a lot worry about. She warned me to still beware of my surroundings because she knows a college friend whose husband was rumored to have been murdered by the Ku Klux Klan in America. So I asked her, “If where we're going isn't any different from the Philippines, then why are we leaving this country?”
                 “You have so many questions. I don't want you to bring your disrespectful attitude in Canada. And don't you dare  talk down on me like I'm one of your barkadas or I will deport you back here,” Mama scolded me.
                  We haven't left the Philippines yet but I'm already hating on our new life.
                   Anyway, the news are depressing. They glorified the death of Jerwin and pegged Chard as a psychopath. The stories about Jerwin claim that he's a hardworking, kind and sweet boy who dreams of following his father's footsteps so he could help build a better world. That's an outright lie! Rob said that in one of his visits to the guidance office, Sister Ruth said Rob is part of the top ten students who have the most frequent visits in her office, but no one can ever beat Jerwin Adoro. Mama said what Chard did has guaranteed Mayor Adoro's win for his next election because voters love politicians who play the victim. There were some articles who connected the dots to Kuya Ian's death, but they're from an online news site that President Duterte branded as purveyor of fake news, so not enough people pay attention.
                  I'm not even sad anymore. I've gotten used to injustice that I have learned to accept them as part of the way of the world. I don't feel anything anymore. In, fact I'm glad that this is the case. For so long I wanted to feel this way when I was drowning in pain. I wrote another non-sensical poem at the back of my Science notebook during the insufferable class of Mrs. Chavez:
 
Numb

I hope to turn into a robot
Too mechanical to process whatever life brings
Too stoic to actually feel things
because I am too tired dealing with my own feelings

One automatically programmed
That I may function without thinking and complaining
My hormones I will be ignoring
So I may keep on going without ever tiring

                 I've developed this disinterest in life—no, I didn't just develop it, Chard influenced me this nihilistic and stoic view of life. But I have a problem with this mindset, everytime there's something good happening to me, I become anxious that sonething terrible will follow. It's like the universe gives and takes away, and there's nothing we can do about it.
                 I have to go pack. I realize I can fight my tendencies to overthink when I'm doing somwthing productive. I'll write again soon.