Dear Katharine

October 16, 20xx

TRIGGER WARNING:  This entry suggests physical violence. If you feel like your mental health could be affected, I advise you to read no further.
A/N: Although the characters themselves are not the ones commiting acts of violence, this entry may trigger some readers. If you are one of them, it would be best to click away.

October 16, 20xx

8:43 P.M.

Dear Kath,

                  Last time I wrote seemed ages ago. There were so many things happened in the past couple of days. I'm not even sure if I should tell you because I think you will find it awkward now that I'm dating your kuya. I know it's too fast. We skipped the ligawan* process that can last from a week to a year because we've known each other for so long, so we don't think it's necessary.

                 Kath, you'd probably disapprove of us because I remember when we were nine, I told you I had a crush on your brother, but you were disgusted. You said, “Claire, I treat you like my sister. Having a crush on my kuya is like incest.” You threatened not to play with me anymore if I continue liking him. So I brushed my feelings away only to keep you.

                   If you were alive, I could never tell you how fond I'm of him and how grateful I am he came into my boring and crazy life. If you were alive, I could never tell you how sweet his kisses are and how the smell of him turns me into frenzy.  If you were alive, I could never tell you that his smile brings euphoria and I cannot get enough of him. If you were alive, I could never tell you that I don't call him “kuya” anymore, unless one of our parents is around because our intimacy has transcended formality.

                   But if you were alive, I certainly would never be with him. I never told him this, but I think it's just sadness that brought us together, a common experience that eases the burden when you deal with it with someone. I cannot help myself, but worry, what if we're not sad anymore? What if we moved on from your death? Would we even be together?

                 I also cannot forget that he started liking me when my skin was getting lighter. If I was darker, would he still like me? Would he love me for who I am?

                   I'm afraid, Kath. I'm sure I won't get over him if we ever break up. It's hard to admit that he is way out of my league. I believe he will find someone better than me because it's easy to find someone better than me. That is why I'm preparing myself to lose him. I know it will be painful because I've never felt this happy.

                   But I have decided to go with the flow. To prepare myself for the coming pain, but to enjoy the fullest out of our relationship.

                   It's like I'm a drug addict during the war on drugs. Chard's entire being is my addiction that will get me tokhang*  because if I don't give him up I would die, but I would go crazy if they take him away from me.  I guess this is not the best metaphor because Rob told me last night a riding-in-tandem killed someone in their barangay. The dead body had multiple gunshot wounds, and the culprits placed beside it lay a cardboard that says, “pusher ako”. He said it was an awful sight. There are people who feel uneasy and unsafe because of it, but there are also those who say that we are safer now that drug addicts are being killed. What's happening around me is more chaotic than my emotions, but I don't want to talk about them because I don't understand them. Let's talk about what I understand.

                   I don't know, Kath. It feels right and scary at the same time. Scary because my mother would definitely murder me if she learns about us. Now that I think about it, being in a relationship is also fun because I'm not the good girl who wants to please everyone, but gives away the chance to live life. I'm proud to say I have followed what your last words are to me.

                    Anyway, I still wish you were here. Kath, tell me I'm enough. Tell me not to be afraid. Tell me that my worries won't happen. Tell me he loves me the same way I do and his heart beats the same feeling I have for him.

                    But perhaps you don't know how I feel. I remember your relationship with Brad. You were the one who had the upper hand. You would have found someone else if you weren't sick when you two broke up. I wish I were like you.

                    Why do I need so much validation? I just realized that being in a relationship reveals your love for your own self. Now I understand why people say you must learn to love yourself before you love someone.

                     Chard just called. I'll try to sneak out of the house, so we can eat somewhere. I'll write again soon.

*
Ligawan - courting
Tokhang - murdered without due process