Dear Katharine

December 04, 20xx

Dec. 04, 20xx
11:54 P.M.

Dear Diary,
                    I haven't spoken to Mama yet, school is boring and life gets crappier every day, but I'm getting used to all these madness. I guess things don't really get better. I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper, closer to hell.
                    I lost my interest in drawing. Food doesn't taste the same either. I just want to wallow in misery. I want to complain why is life designed like this.  I just want to grieve. I want to grieve because life just can't give me a break. Is this the plans God has for me? How can all of these make sense in the end? How can tragic things like rape ever going to make sense? How can someone's death ever make sense?      
                    But when I'm around other people, I smile as if everything is fine. I tell them everything is fine. I act as if everything is fine. I wonder if Jenna feels the same way. I mean, she definitely went through a lot of  traumatic experiences, does she only smile when I'm around  to pretend that she's fine? Is she like me who wants to enjoy my time with others because I know I will cry heavily when no one's around? Does she also feel irritated when people try to comfort her and say empty words as if they actually help? Does she feel angry or is she over that phase and now all she feels is emptiness like how I feel? It's just that we stopped crying together unlike before that's why I don't know.
                   I guess we both just want to forget. We wish for different things even a different life. I guess this is what Rhea felt before. And I guess Kuya Chard is also going through tough times too. Am I rude to think at least I'm not alone? Is it cruel to find comfort in someone else's suffering and tell yourself, “at least that's not what I'm going through”? On the other hand, am I committing a sin if I question why someone is having it better than I do, even if those people are jerks?
                 I'm sorry, Diary, for asking you so many questions because right now that's all I have. If uncertainty is the currency, I would be very rich by now, but everyone else will be too. I should  stop trying to sound like a philosopher or something, it's obviously too pretentious of me. It's just that I'm in need of answers, but after receiving them I only ask more questions.
                I want to sleep again even if I slept in the afternoon. I have already overused my pillow these past days. I have also filled it with so many tears. In fact, I have fallen in love with my pillow because it has been with me throughout all the madness.
                Mama just knocked on the door. I'm going to pretend I'm already asleep so not to talk to her. Good night.