Dear Katharine

October 24, 20xx 9:22 P.M.

TRIGGER WARNING:  this entry could be a trigger. If you feel like your mental health could he affected, I advise you to read no further.

9:22 PM

Dear Kath,

                 Talking to Chard wasn't that bad, it wasn't that good either. It was uncomfortable at first because like I said before; I'm not proud of how I feel. I don't even know why I feel them. There is just no logic behind why I feel how I feel.
                  I know I sound like a complete idiot.  But please don't judge me too much, Kath.  If you were here, you would have teased me on how dependent and weak I'm. But try to understand, this is my first boyfriend and there's this part of me that wants him to be my last too.
                  I'm afraid that Chard would just brush these sentiments off.  But he didn't. I'm grateful for that. But he said he was disappointed because he felt that I didn't trust him about what I feel.
                 I thought we'd stop once I vented out my emotions and move on, but that's not how things ended. Chard gave me a piece of his mind and made me realize my faults too. I hate it when people are pointing out my mistakes, but I like pointing out theirs. So I just learned that I have double standards, but I wouldn't admit that because I don't want to hurt myself with the truth.
                 But Chard told me the truth—no, he threw it at my face and my ego has never been wounded. He told me I didn't trust him and I should stop being insecure.
                “You're too much of a people pleaser,” he said. “And you keep on hiding what you truly feel instead of just being honest because you're afraid that people would hate you.
                 “That's why you don't get what you want because you're too passive. Even when Kath was alive, you always let her bully you. You always let her have her way even if you don't agree with her. Your friendship was so toxic. You don't have the courage to out toxic people in your life. You don't confront people because gusto mo lagi magmukha kang mabait,” he told me.
                 His words pierced me so much that I talked back at him without thinking.
                 “You're the bully, not Kath,” I shouted at him.
                 “Oh, am I?” he said, beaming with sarcasm.
                  “Yeah, and you're such a misogynist. You tell me I can't do this or do that because I'm a woman. You're a big reklamador.” If you only heard me, Kath, I was so vicious.
                 “At least I'm vocal about my opinion. While you, you can't even be honest with yourself,” he yelled.
                “Well, yeah? You're a hypocrite because the things you complain about are the very things you should work on in yourself,” I replied using the same tone.
                 We kept on going, setting up rules on each other.
                “You stop talking Rob more than to me. He isn't your boyfriend,” he said. “And don't be friends with Jenna and Alexa. They're bad influence.”
                “Then you should stop being friends with Ken. You'll get tokhang because of him,” I responded.
                 Chard and I both didn't agree on that because want to be friends who we want to be friends with. We also did not agree on knowing each other's social media accounts because that's putting a leash on each other's necks.
                 We were both angry. I suppose this is what we call our first quarrel. A part of me wanted to cry, but if I could only take myself away from that situation, there was this part of me that felt relieved after releasing my anger and resentments in life that I had been holding on to all this time. I guess picking up fights is healthy for me who doesn't know how to express my frustrations because I'm afraid that I would be sinning against God if I let go of my temper. I suppose I did sin against God because of our fight.
                We both calmed down after that, but we remained angry at each other until now. So we went home, and we are now in the waiting game: a game of sinong unang manunuyo? also known as pataasan ng pride. To play this game, you must be in a fight with your partner and wait and see who will say sorry first. Whoever apologize first loses the game while whoever keeps their pride high above wins. I'm telling you, Kath, I shall win this game!