Coder Girl /Dreamwastaken/

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I survived 10 days. Without answering their calls. And texts. Whole 10 days.

Clay didn't call. And he didn't text. I didn't open George's and Nick's messages but I read a few of them from the notification panel. The recent ones were them asking me if I was in touch with Clay or not. They haven't heard from him for 7 days.

I got a twitter notification telling that George announced a break for all 3 of them, and Nick retweeted. Everything was going downhill. I had no control over the situation.

I thought I'd be better if I took my time to concentrate on myself. But is it really concentrating on myself if my mind's busy with him?

The first few days I was mad at him to the point where I got delusional. I didn't want to hear his name, didn't want to see anything associated with him. That's when I hid the plushie under the bed and deleted all of the pictures and videos we had together. All our captured memories were gone.

The day after, I regretted it all. I took out the plushie again, put it on my bed instead of the desk. I hugged it and realized that I sleep better like that. By better I mean.. I sleep. I finally sleep.

Soon I noticed that the plushie was getting stained. I haven't even been wearing any makeup, yet it still had visible stains. I didn't know I could cry that much.

Then I realized that my grades are dropping real bad. The highest I was getting were C's from the subjects I was the best at. I got a D- from English, yet the essay he wrote for me ended up getting an A+.

I read the essay and all I could hear was his voice. The words he chose sounded like himself so much. It was like having a conversation with him.

I missed him. I couldn't help it. Even if I was still mad at him, I couldn't help it. I missed him.

I was forcing myself to try to understand that he wasn't good for me. I started thinking. Trying to remember all the times he hurt me.

The time I kissed George.. and this time... again, George.

Is that.. Is that all?

Yeah. That's all.

Every other memory had its place in the bag of the happiest moments of my life.

Why was he never possessive when I spent time with Nick? I was way more flirty with Nick, grew way closer to him than I was with George. Clay would smile seeing Nick's head on my lap. I would read to him the stupid texts me and Nick sent to eachother and he would laugh. He listened with interest and laughed genuinely. Never even showed signs of jealousy.

Yet all it took to trigger him was George's name leaving my mouth. His jealousy, his possessiveness, his temper. All of it showed off only when me and George were in the same sentence.

Why am I realizing that just now? We could've had a conversation about it. All 3 of us. If I realized earlier, we'd talk about it and fix it. Or maybe I wouldn't do things that clearly triggered him more. My relationship with George wouldn't even change from that, all I had to do was be more careful.

It's too late now. The problem got solved in the most toxic way possible.

A few more days passed. I was starting to feel way worse. My feelings were all over the place. I was less mad at him which made me be mad at myself. I missed him like crazy, and was worried.

Checking George's and Nick's texts wasn't a good idea. The first 7 days both of them were asking if I had any idea how Clay was and what was he up to. He ignored all the messages and calls.

The more recent texts were relieving. He finally texted both of them. The same copy-pasted text.

"I've not done anything stupid and won't, don't worry. I've been sober the whole time. I'm okay physically. I'm trying my best to get there mentally. Don't worry about me. I'm sorry."

The screenshots from both their chats were painful. It was the same text in both pictures, but I still read both.. More than once.

The 10th day was the hardest. I watched his old videos to hear his voice. He sounded so happy. All I wanted for him was to be happy again.

Who told me we weren't good for each other? How is he not good to me if all my happiest memories are associated with him? He cared for me more than I did myself. I did better in school when I was around him and I don't even know how's that possible. He did so much for me in a few months, more than anyone else could do during years.

I cut all my threads with him over a single mistake he made. Yeah, a serious mistake. But I've forgiven worse things. And I've forgiven people who didn't deserve it. People who kept hurting me and getting away with it.

Couldn't we talk this out? Now we can't, I know that it's too late now. But I'm wondering if 10 days ago when he asked for a chance.. if I gave him the chance. If we talked about it. Could we save it?

I wouldn't forgive him back then, but at least we'd talk. We'd build the foundation to be able to fix it later. I'd call him names again and get mad at him for doing such a thing. He'd apologize over and over again until his voice would calm me down and I'd consider shutting up for once and listening. He'd know what I was mad at and he'd try to fix it. And I'd know what messed him over and try to fix it.

Was it all that hard? Couldn't we do it if we tried? I didn't try. I didn't try at all. And I'd probably call it a manipulation if he tried. I'd call it a manipulation if he showed up at my place, I'd call him toxic if he tried to text me.

Yeah, I didn't try. But he can't even try. I didn't give him the permission to try.

Is he okay? I know he's strong. He's stronger than me. If I'm still here, he is as well. But it's so much harder for him.

Maybe I should text him. Maybe there's still hope that we can fix this.

My fingers started shaking as I opened his chat.

Hey

No, that's stupid. I deleted it immediately and started typing again.

Are you okay?

That just sounds dumb.

While I deleted that too, I saw him typing.

It's 3 a.m., what is he doing here?

I froze with the phone in my hands. I could tell he was typing and deleting as well. I waited and waited. The typing stopped. Nothing came out.

I swallowed the lump away in my throat and started typing myself. But the tears of frustration poured down.

Why wouldn't you send it? I hate you.

As I deleted, he started typing too. And he deleted without sending.