My feet dangle off the edge of the stage, swinging in their own way. I don't feel strong anymore you know? It's like the best is over and now I don't know what to do. It isn't lethargy or absence of activities, it's just the lack of everything hitting all at once. And I dont want to face it.
As the night comes to its close, the hole of loss in my soul slowly cracks open. When you know you are nearing the end of a great book, and want to make it last, but cannot stop reading at the same time. Almost like time is a constant and you are the unchangeable variable. Cannot stop, cannot pause, just a mere slave. And then, like all good things it comes to an end. The journey right from the start fills you up with knowledge, fulfilment and passion, but a clairvoyance of sorts still pulls at the back of your head, never letting you fully dive into the other realm and submerge. The haze quickens in those last few chapters, the last few movements as the end trickles in and with a heavy heart you accept it. Because, what else can you really do to change the present? Nothing actually, except shape your future.... slightly.
My future is not in my hands either.... Arjun will go away and I will be bound in the sick chains of the fucked-up education system, without him, without freedom, without choice, without him. Is it not futile to venture further past the confines and ceiling of my mind and weigh the pros of the situation? Will it help me? God knows, because in this moment, all I can think about is loss and the depression thats going to consume my dulling soul very soon.
Will Post was right.. What you dont have now are decisions... No, your tears wont work this time.
And I dont know where to fucking go from here.
Most of the people have already head out of the auditorium after collecting their little snack boxes that my mum's café had packaged for tonight. The younger batches left early and the older girls and boys are making their way to the after-show party at Miss Shona's house.
Several parents compliment me for my performance and pay special tribute to the chemistry Arjun and I shared. One woman asks me if I'm dating him and when I answer in the negative, a tear rolls down my cheek.
"I know it's not my place to say or comment dearest, but I think he loves you." She says and I nod.
She wipes my tears and kisses my cheek softly. "Whatevers causing these tears, I hope it pans out okay." She waves a bye and leaves through the door.
Was it that obvious??? That a person who's never seen us before can make out? What the hell is everybody going to think? I can't even imagine the questions my family is going to ask me. How will I survive the teasing from my brothers?
How will I survive without him?
Unable to stop my emotions anymore, I take the cue and lift my pathetic little ass off stage and make my way inside to gather my stuff. I pick up my costume from the wings and find my Cinderella points in a corner. I pick it up and hold it in my hand for several minutes. I touch and feel the stones and sequins for the very last time. The worn out light pink bow on top and the broken sole of the shoes. I cant say I cherish the last few moments with the most special pair of shoes in the world, because its painful and a loss I dont want to bear. I'm suffering in a buttload of denial. I wipe the dust off of them and let the dirt linger on my fingers.
Dont cry. Dont cry. Dont cry.
Packing them, I walk past the commotion and find my teacher at the end of the back stage, talking to a parent. I wait until they're finished and have Miss Shona's undivided attention. No words are spoken, no glances are exchanges. I walk right into her open arms and cling to her.
YOU ARE READING
Finding Him and Me
Roman pour Adolescents"If you were a boy, I'd ask you to take off your t-shirt for spoiling mine." He retorts "If this wasn't a restaurant I'd slap you across your arrogant face". I spit with anger. Alia plays the role of Cinderella in her Ballet Academy. One fine night...
