Finding Him and Me

Chapter 54 - Learning to Balance

I wake up early next morning around 7 and the unusually cold morning sets a sense of comfort and positivity through me. There's this quote that means everything to me. 'There are moments in our lives that seem to define us. But, isn't it really about what lies beyond those moments? But, today I feel otherwise. Perhaps sometimes it really is about those defining moments and not what lies after. Because I don't know what lies ahead but this moments means something to me. 

I'm going to make the most of today I think to myself throwing the covers aside and hopping out of bed. Changing into a pair of warm slacks and sweatshirt I freshen up and head out into the garage to retrieve my cycle. I choose a fun pop playlist and with a  long deep breath pedal on.

Flashes of the night come rushing in
In a stampede of misbehaviors
Just a sophomore running my mouth
I really thought that I could save us

And we'll all be animals
Didn't need to start a forest fire
Brush the ashes off your shoulders
Let's get lost in the wild

We're all built for something
Trying to find a starting line
Don't look over your shoulders
Let's get lost in the wild

Its just another day in December. But will today be a defining day? Will today have one of those moments that will define me?

I try my hardest to switch off my thinking brain and give all my attention to the music. But well, just so we're clear, one can't easily get their mind off a boy like Arjun. Right? I mean with his slightly gelled soft hair that I want to touch so badly, classic white t-shirts, brown eyes and his smile oh my god that smile and his big hands. I think I have a thing for hands and necks. 

Alia. The point was to not think about him.

I shake my head and smile a bashful smile.

I feel good today. You know what I mean? Like I want to smile a little wider, jump a little higher and shout a little louder.

I pedal faster and faster my hamstrings burning while racing and whizzing through the relatively empty streets. My eyes stay trained on the road and the frigid breeze smacks my face. Feeling enthralled and fueled by adrenaline I swerve around the corner of the road and proceed to cycle another round against the wishes of my exhausted body. My lips move softly singing the song blasting into my ears.

After forty minutes I head back home and see my mom sitting outside reading a book.

"Hi zizu!" I hug her excitedly excitedly.

"Hi sweetie pie. I didn't see you yesterday, papa said you went to sleep. Everything okay?" She asks.

"More than okay. I just got really tired." I answer taking a long drink of OJ.

"Alright love. What do you want to eat for breakfast?"

"Can I cook today?" I ask with a smile.

"Haha sure! Please do." She laughs and heads out to take a walk in the park.

I change out of my sweaty clothes and tie up my hair heading to the kitchen.

Firstly I wash a handful of potatoes and throw them into the cooker to boil. Next I grab a ton of things to make my special buttermilk pancake batter. Flour, butter, sugar, milk etc. I lay the table, set a kettle of water to heat for the tea and switch on the oven. I grate the semi soft boiled potatoes, sprinkle salt and pepper and make ten adorable hash browns. Since I'm over enthusiastic I sprinkle some cheese, onion rings and chilli flakes on them. While they golden on the pan I scoop two avocadoes, cut and mash them and squeeze half a lemon into it along with a dash of sea salt. I add some garden fresh coriander leaves, finely chopped green chillies and a generous drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Lastly I toss some whole wheat bread into the oven to toast, pour tea into cups, place the hash browns on a plate and pour the batter to make pancakes on the pan. I make ten fluffy pancakes and bid everyone.

Mom, dad and dada come down to the table for breakfast and feast on the slightly butter glazed pancakes with raw honey and cranberries, avocado toast and hash browns while engaging in light conversation. The sun streams in through the huge French windows in the dining room and smile softly when 'I don't know what love is' by Lady Gaga plays softly in the background. I connected my iPod to the sound system in the house. I love making food a fancy affair. I guess its in my blood. My mom owns two restaurants, my nana is a hotelier and we're all cooks. Food is special. It denotes care, affection and most importantly, a heart full of love.

After breakfast I sit on the swing in the garden and decide to catch up with Noor and call her.

"Hi."

"Hey what's up?" She chirps.

"I just miss you so much and needed someone to talk to."

"Alia. What happened?" I can picture her sitting up with wide eyes.

"Uh- nothing really as such. Just really nervous about the concert." I murmur stupidly.

"So now you're going to lie to me?"

"Noor, I would never lie to you. I just can't figure out things, even for myself." I take a deep long breath in as my heart falls.

"Its him, isn't it? You like him." Noor says immediately.

Uh oh! "I don't know. I think I'm just attracted to him. With his good looks and- he's been really nice to me. Out of the way nice, funny and I look forward to his company. I, uh, I hmmm.. I- I like him? But not that like. Just the surface like. Like I like dancing with him and talking and stuff. But just like how I like talking to some of my classmates but, a little more? Oh fuck! fuck! fuck!!!! I'm going mad. Like Bertha Mason batshit crazy." I whine unable to convey my mixed feelings in words.

"Calm down. You're not going mad. You're fine." She pauses and I breathe in deeply. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I wrote it down in my journal. Just tell me what to do." I plead. Just fucking tell me what the hell to do. I'm going mad.

"You want me to tell you what you wish to hear and knowing you it probably includes me telling you 'Alia, you have to stay away from him because you must focus on your studies and tenth grade is right here. Please don't get distracted by him.' But Alia, I'm not going to. Because you should do what you want to. No regrets ever remember? And trust me, nothing can actually go wrong. Everything will be fine. So just let your silky hair loose because you're young and giving into your feelings isn't a sin. So just chill the fuck out right this moment." She pauses letting the words sink in. "Alia. Please stop trying to control yourself."

"I love you." I choke.

"Everybody loves me."

"I'm getting another piercing."

"What the fuck did you just say bitch?!" She snarls.

"I'm kidding! God." I laugh loudly.

"Its not funny."

"You don't even have a sense of humor Noor." I say truthfully.

"You're changing the topic."

"I am."

"Are you okay?" She asks and I mentally thank god for blessing me with the best friend in the world.

I stop and think, looking far away. "I am. I'm perfectly fine."

"Good."

Later that day I get my waxing, threading and pedicure done and for once after a long ass time do I actually feel like a girl. At half past three I get dressed in a red leotard and wrap around with skin toned stockings. I swipe a coat of red gloss across my lips and line my eyelids with thin red liner.

Before leaving home for practice I write a new quote on my mirror.

"Sometimes to lose balance for love is a part of living a balanced life"

*******

Heyy
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