Finding Him and Me

Chapter 77 - Losing Me

Alia's POV

I pull away and turn away and walk away. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was walking away from him. The boy who's somehow managed to break through all the walls and walls of expectation and barriers and tied my heart to his. My body is physically drawn to him, like the opposite poles of a magnet being attracted infinitely. The overload of emotions in my body being generated just for him, a hunger only he can satisfy by being close to me. He is mine and I am his.

But this partition. This space. It makes my heart feels stranded, lonely, deserted and barren, hurting so much. I feel the touch of his lips on mine, his hands, his smell and his eyes.

Oh my god. I just had my first kiss. I touch my swollen lips and exhale on my finger. It was so good. Dizzying. It was unlike what I've read about in books. It felt as if the entire world had faded away and like a magical once in a lifetime experience. I'm going to miss kissing him. I'm going to miss everything about him. Even that annoying name he calls me. Cinderella. Clutching my pointe shoe pendant, I remind myself that I'm always carrying a part of him on my body and this love will be like memories on a polaroid. In my heart and in a picture. In my mind and in my soul.

I could turn around and run back to him this minute. I could throw myself into his arms and tackle him to the floor and he would hold onto me and not let go. Because he loves me. But I know that there is no after, after that. That's utopia and this is reality.

Over months the feelings will fade. I don't know if we're going to grow apart as seasons change or find our way back to one another. If he's going to fall for another girl, a girl who wont leave him. Or maybe we'll be together in another life. Or maybe we can work it out. 

Why? Why? Why am I doing this? I stop and ask myself.  I was never a masochist..

Another voice pipes in. No no Alia this is the right thing to do. Walking away. Stay strong babygirl, the hole will fill over time.

I stop and stare. My vision blurred not because of the tears but because I cant focus. Not the objects standing, people moving, lights blinking, and voices speaking.

How is the hole going to fill??? How is it going to fucking fill without him??? Its just going to stay void and empty like a huge gaping hole in me. Its going to fucking stay that way. I want to scream, I need to scream and get the frustration and pain - pain and anguish out of me. But I cannot. Not in the middle of the domestic terminal in an airport with over 200 people in 20 feet radius. I can't break down to the floor and cry my heart out. I can't collapse on my bed and sing Myself to myself, hoping things will fix themselves. I can't even fucking stop time for a few.

So I do the one thing The Vampire Diaries enlightened me but I never fathomed possible. I switch off my emotions.

At once, my tears stop flowing out of my eyes and my heart stops losing control in my chest. The pain melts away block by block and clears up a passage for me to breathe normally. I blink a few times but I still can't see straight. I smile a soft, sad and tight smile and shake my legs into life. Biting my lip I lift my leg to ensure I'm still alive and kicking. Placing it forward I take my first step with a dead heart and devoid brain, with dazed eyes and dry throat.

This too shall pass. The famous quote passes my mind on instinct.

Just those words almost cripple me. It brings back a storm swirling with memories I'm trying to banish. Grinding my jaw, I take another step forward. I can do this. I can break down when I'm alone, I will give myself that. Just not now. Hold on Alia. Hold on. Just hold on Alia.

Arjun's POV

I hold her hand.....

I'm trying to memorise the feel of her soft palm and slender fingers. The warmth she's feeding into my dying soul.

I hold it. But she's pulling away. Why would she do that? She said she loves me.

I need her. I need her to help me... Please help me.

I kiss her head and tighten my embrace. I know that when I open my eyes my lips won't be in her hair anymore, her hand won't be in mine. She'll leave me.

I think I voice the words in my mind and beg. I beg her again and again. But is she listening??

Suddenly I'm cold and my heart quivers violently in my rib cage. My mouth drops open as pain arrests my chest.

She's gone...

I know it wasn't all a dream.

But you know what I know better?

That I'm dead inside

And listening to Shawn Mendes pour his heart out about feeling overwhelmed and crying on the bathroom floor and wondering if it ever gets better isn't going to get me through the fucking inferno.

I give up.

The walls have caved in, bringing nothing but coldness, and she's taken my heart. I was on the brink of being fixed, she helped me through the worst and I was steps away from the finish line, but now that she pulled her hand out of mine and abandoned my world, I don't see my line. I'm utterly lost, feeling nothing.

I used to be broken. And that could have been fixed.

But now... I'm misplaced. And I can't be found. And I don't want to be found unless it's her finding me.

Cinderella left the ball, but instead of leaving me with hope to find her she left me with a promise to find me instead.

But can she find me if she's lost herself???

Do we have time? Is it written that our paths shall cross again? Love conquers all doesn't it? And my girl's a fighter.

But until then... How will I live?

Suddenly my brain's at a loss. What is living?

I don't even know how to exist anymore.

Because there's nothing left in me except a need for her.

I glance at the 'Deep Sea Diving in the Great Barrier Reef' brochure hanging out of my bag, stuffed rather clumsily. Buying a one way ticket to Australia probably wasn't the best idea when I'm having trouble identifying my right shoe from the left, but, what gives?

I've been here before. It gets better over time.

I try to smile and fail, so I try again and again until I can, before making my way to the boarding gate.

I love Alia. So, everything will be okay. 

Alia's POV

I shoot a text to my mum to let her know I've sat down in the plane and will be departing shortly. I text Tara and Noor the same. Before exiting the group chat, I type,

Arjun was at the airport. He saw me. We kissed. I left. Will call you from Bik and tell you everything. Love and miss you xxx

Next, I call nani. She asks me to pray before the flight takes off and asks me what I'd like to eat once I reach. We talk for a bit before I disconnect.

I try to not cry. I look out of the window as I stab my hand into my Ted Baker and feel for my earplugs. Sticking the buds into my ear, I play I'm a mess by Ed Sheeran.

Still looking out of the window I tell myself to hold it together repeatedly. I try. I swear I try so hard. But... Unfaithful fucking tears.

Whatever said and done...

I don't wish that things might have ended differently, you know? I'm glad about whatever happened and however it did. This is how it was meant to be.

*********

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That was the last fucking chapter you guys... 😭😭😭😭