Finding Him and Me

Chapter 59 - Seeing White

Does the night sky make you wonder? How quickly it changes from dark piercing ink blue with bright stars to an ocean of black. As if it were never even there. The cool air both tranquil and moving at the same time. Timeless and endless. Quiet. Very quiet.

I walk slowly, uncertainty clinging to every step. Deep in thought, I replay today in my mind. The enticing light blue sapphire pool, a splash of sheer freshness. Its like I can still feel the touch of Arjun's hand on mine. My hair, face, body. How our hips pressed together and he almost kissed me. My face heats up and I lick my lips when my eyes close for a second too long.

I stop walking. Gazing far away into the never-ending lane, shadows of curving trees and bougainville my only companion. A colony of bats swerve around me, the pattern of their special wings making me marvel at nature once more. My eyes sting and threaten to water any moment. This time I stop myself with a long, harsh inhale.

Everything is so perfect tonight, except however the condition of my heart. Is it broken? Is it healing? Is it not healing? The starry night, cool shadow of the big trees and the subtle pinkish glow of the pale moon. I'm nervous. Very troubled even.

I've always wanted a relationship with a boy my age. But it was to talk, crack jokes and lie on his shoulder sometimes. Arjun. Well, something tells me, he isn't down for that, but something more. Something close.

If today was truly real, then it's time I take a reality check and accept the fact that both of us want one another. In so many ways. We're good to each other, good for one another. Aren't we? But the question arises, considering current affairs what is it that I want from him?

'I want him' the little voice in my head immediately squeals. The silly one undoubtedly.

The sensible one states clearly, 'you're much to young baby. And tenth grade is on your head. You can't jeopardize that over a boy.' And she's right as always, I can't.

A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and renewed pain in my chest is my only response. This isn't going anywhere. For fucks sake. Why can't I get my thoughts straight and decide what it is that I need?

And Arjun, what does he want? Does he want to be in a relationship? Be my boyfriend?

Jesus.... Even the thought sets my heart racing in a rather uncomfortable fashion and spreads a plague of goosebumps on my skin. I start walking anew, listening to Mikky Ekko. I can't even imagine that. Arjun has my head and heart tied up in a frantic knot, but I don't want a relationship with him.

And suddenly it strikes me hard and fast like lightning. Maybe I just need to get him out of my system. Get rid of the sexual tension itching every inch of my body. Free myself from the unsatisfied tingles. I mean what is it that he can give me that I can't possibly give myself?

What the fuck are you talking about? The mature girl in my mind spits. You love him! Trying to wipe him out with an orgasm isn't a fucking solution you dimwit.

Falling in love with him is what is ridiculous. Its going to go absolutely nowhere. I cannot deal with this right now! I shout back.

She stays quiet.

I halt and pivot. With a goal in my head and ambition in my foot, I head back home and get my room ready to sleep in. I lay the bed, draw the curtains and switch off the lights after lighting a lone candle.

Warning - Mature Content

I strip and walk into the shower, quickly washing myself with jasmine soap and shampoo. When I'm done, I breathe in long and hard, lowering the showerhead down and fall to my knees, leaning against the wall.