Finding Him and Me

Chapter 60 - Make up my mind (His POV)

Arjun's POV

I wait.

And I wait.

I don't even move. I just stand there. My eyes burn and I clench my jaw tightly to prevent my facial muscles from shifting. Its too much.

I watch her red car turn around the corner and moments later I fall to my knees. Right there in the middle of the road, on the coarse grey tarred road, opposite Varma Mansion. Pain suddenly grips my heart, like a shard of ice piercing it through my chest.

Why is she going away? Why wont she stay here? Why do people walk away from me? Why does it feel like my heart is breaking? Breaking so bad. Why does it feel like Ive fallen in love with her and cant bear to be away from her?

The frigid December atmosphere and windy air chills me right to my bones, but when I reminisce the moments of our bodies being fused together, even the weather doesnt affect the all-consuming heat that bursts in every cell of my being. I grow warm.

Her skin felt so, so fucking soft to touch. When I looked into her eyes, I knew I could get lost forever. It felt so right. I knew she fit my body perfectly right from the first time we danced together. Her tiny hands in my big ones, her lush body flowing with my hard one, her small frame against mine.

I dont know if I wanted to kiss her. I couldnt really hold myself back from pressing our lips together, taking her, worshipping her, because, god I wanted her so badly, still do, but the tormented and shattered part of me was scared to kiss her. Scared that I would destroy what we share. Ive never felt as comfortable as I do with her when it comes to sharing my feelings, what pains me, what makes me smile. And in doing so I feel endlessly secure. I already feel more emotionally and mentally connected to Alia than I have with anyone else before.

But physical? Until today, it never really hit me how much the thought of an intimate relationship could really fuck with my head. After, what happened between Naila and I, I dont know, Im terrified of taking things to another level with Alia. Were in such a comfortable place right now, only a fool would fuck that up, by bringing romance into the picture. Right?

I wont deny it, a part of me desperately wants to feel things that I havent felt in so long with Alia. I want to hold her hand in the streets, treat her to that bitter as shit coffee she drinks so fondly, be alone behind closed doors with her, talk about things she cant stop talking about, sit on a scenic rooftop and watch the stars together, call her mine and be hers, feel her, watch her bloom under my touch and kiss her. And so much. I dont want to take her to bed, no. Because they haunt me and she's too young, too innocent, too beautiful to be tainted by me. All at once, my heart begins pounding, hard. I lose my breath and scramble to catch it. I know our safe space is the dance floor. The place where she really lets go of everything and her heart and body take over. Her feelings. Then, the OCD, rehearsals, choreography cease to matter and even time is forgotten. In those moments I lose myself in her. Its just her.

However, the other part of me is so afraid to give any of that a chance. Petrified to fuck it up.

My eyes flutter open, unfocused and I stare away at nothing in particular. I replay todays events in my mind. Over and over. It seems like I passed an entire lifetime in just a matter of a few hours.

Many times, things don't go the way we want them to. But that's because we can't control them. Or can we? Like its so our choice but yet so out of our hands to control? And then it just so unfairly seems that we don't get what we want.

Yes, what we actually want and what we think we need may seem a tad bit hazy. But it isnt even about those particulars. Its not even about reaching the destination, maybe its more about the journey. The question, that, what does the future hold for me? For us...?