Finding Him and Me

Chapter 56 - Out of Control

A hundred things seem to happen at the same time.

I can feel him. I can feel his heart racing under my palms, his breathing quickening, his mind losing control, I know he wants to kiss me, but he holds back. He closes his eyes and stops, an inch from my mouth. All I need to do is raise my head to connect our lips. But then what's stopping me? What's stopping him? Do I even want this? Its not that I don't realize how freakishly fast this is going. Its wrong.

I make no attempt to push him away, because something tells me he wont kiss me despite, perhaps, wanting to. I lace my fingers through his hair and press his forehead against mine. We've crossed every line today, without actually crossing any lines.

There are always choices. Good choices and bad choices. In this case, I'm not sure if the both of us have made the right choice, and simultaneously chipped a part of ourselves away, or the wrong choice that will light into a flame of regrets.

Guess, I'll never really know.

But today, he's gained my trust to such an extent, that maybe in life I'll end up trusting him with so much in me, that it'll scare even me.

The practice, our electrifying chemistry, the conversations we've had, everything has been so intense lately. This might be a result of all of that. The overthinking, almost kissing and these influx of crazy emotions that I'm way too young to fathom.

Our foreheads stay connected, his hands around my waist, mine knotted in his hair, our breathing in sync and hearts racing. A lone tear leaks out of my left eye and I slide my pointe shoe clad feet between his parted ones. I press myself to him so there isn't a micron of space between our bodies. I hug him and he supports my body when I rise on my toes.

I know I'm going to ruin the moment. But, I need answers. "Were you going to?" I choke, a huge lump in my throat making it difficult for me to speak.

He stays quiet for 10 seconds before talking. I count. "Kiss you?" He asks.

"Mm." I respond in the positive.

"I did get caught up in the moment. But no, I wasn't." He says defensively and starts pulling away.

I step away and pull my hands to my sides. I made it weird. Oh god. Shit. I cannot deal with this right now.

The door to the basement opens and my eyes follow to a few girls coming out. Did he step away because he heard them? Or because he wanted to?

"Shall we start again?" Arjun asks.

Why is he changing the topic. Shouldn't we talk about this? Or am I making a big deal of nothing? "Um. Yeah sure. But if you want to stop here for today that's okay." The girls pick up their bags and leave the room.

"Why would I offer if I didn't want to?" He retorts.

What's with the sudden asshat-behavior? "Uh. I just, I was just confirming." I stutter.

"I mean, if you don't want to, then just say so. Stop beating about the bush." He takes a step back and throws his hands in the air.

"Arjun. Don't talk to me like that. I don't deserve it." I say standing my ground.

He scoffs. Scoffs. The asshole scoffs. "Alia. I'm not used to losing control. So just give me some space right now okay?" He says turning away.

"What the hell? I literally just suggested that, before you decided to insult me. And, also, how the hell is it my fault if you 'lose control'". I ask angrily with air quotes.