Finding Him and Me

Epilogue

Its pouring. The sound of pounding raindrops crash into my ears. It bleeds into my skin and raises tingles and shivers on the skin of my neck, arms and thighs. The soaking air and comforting atmosphere that makes me feel oddly psychotic and smells like cigarettes and hours of lovemaking. My heart heaves and thuds. I stand on the entrance of the hotel, shivering and half wet from the sprays of the storm. My grey tracksuit provides little protection from the deathly frigid air and I feel like Bertha fucking Mason, suicidal with an urge to catch a pneumonia.

Its been five days since I reached Gaj Kesri, my nana's hotel in Bikaner, Rajasthan. When my mind isn't occupied by volumes of The Divine Comedy or Tess of the d'Urbervilles, I write passages in my journal or spend time with all my cousins and grandparents. I'd like to think I've been holding up really well. I haven't listened to music in five days. For some fucked up reason all the songs I used to love make me cry. Evidently, I'm in a state of denial when it comes to the subtle signs of depression I'm repressing every moment, every day, every night. Sobbing into my pillow when the clock strikes 12 and falling asleep hours later after repeatedly choking on my sobs and losing sensation of my face, throat and chest. Waking up feels like a chore, but being here makes it better My nani loves me so severely and overwhelmingly that all I can think about is how much she squishes poor little me while smothering my face with a thousand kisses. Hugging her at times is a near death experience that I would happily endure all the time. Her affection, indulgence and care is the best form of therapy. Of course, the meal spread and delicious food throughout the day makes my insides whoop and jump in joy, but the dull pain persists. 

But the rains make me strong. The rains are my comfort and solace. I feel like my soul is finally reaching me and engulfing my corpse. The rain, the rain, the rain. Since my mind's still in a mentally-challenged swirl, I peel off my light teal socks and pull out the hair tie holding my hair in a French braid. My glasses join the pile of add-ons on my body and without a second's thought, I walk down the red sandstone doorsteps in my thin tracksuit. I walk right into the frigid thunderstorm and get soaked.

Every thought in my mind vanishes as the first showers capture me. It takes less than five seconds for my body to start vibrating and convulsing like I'm being electrocuted. Less than five seconds to be drenched from the root to the tips of my hair. Less than five seconds for my teeth to begin chattering and goose pimples to arrest my skin, every hair standing straight up. I welcome it all. The shudders raking through my spine and joints, the chills arresting my ears, nose and chest. The hard raindrops stabbing at my back. Its a gift. Its a form of pleasure. Its a manner of submission.

I walk ahead, my footsteps askew, forming a curving path to god knows where. For the first time in so long I feel abundantly free. Free from emotions and extreme feelings, free from love and pain, free from him and me. My palms cover my mouth and I exhale warm breaths into my cold hands. The hot air turns warm and finally chilly. There is no heat left in me. There is nothing left for me to give.

Glacial winds whoosh into my ears and sink down to my chest, freezing it. It turns the pain and suffering to ice. The rain loves me. I look up to the everlasting grey sky, its limitless nature motivating me. Initially the drops of water prevent me from opening my eyes but I'm soon immune to it. The grey clouds flash silver with lightening and the world rumbles thunderously. I will find the strength to overcomes this, whatever this is I'm feeling. Wrapping my hands under my chest, I surrender completely. The skin of my bare feet scrapes against the coarse concrete. I will always love him, but I will not fall and break without him. I wont lose myself to someone who will not be a part of my life for years. 

As the rain pelts down, bring down all my walls and shattering them to the ground, it starts to wash away the negativity, anxiety and depression. It purifies my heart and wipes my soul clean. I emerge indomitable, independent and completely different from the whimpering mess I was for the last few days.