Finding Him and Me

Chapter 71 - Fascinations (His POV)

Arjun's POV

Once I get off stage, I'm on my way to the green room, when I see Alia still peeking through the wings, as the backstage crew clears the space and prepares for Giselle. She is not okay. But we still have the non-ballet performances left and those little dances can never compare to the shot of high we just felt, but it is what it is.

I watch her carefully, noting the way her feet fidget in despair and anger, the way her back concaves in defeat and the way her shoulders tremble as she cries. When she finally turns and catches sight of me and only me past her glassy vision, her legs kick into motion as she runs to me. I widen my stance and open my arms, bracing myself for the impact.

When we collide powerfully, sparks fly. I sweep her off her feet as she entwines her body around me and clings in desperation. Oh baby.

Moments like this make me wonder why she is bent upon letting go, because we fit so perfectly, it would be a shame, a sin, to part ways.

And I know its going to leave me purgatory. Not hell and certainly not heaven. Because I'll never force my intentions or hopes of a future together on her and I will die trying if she does not come back to me. Right into these arms. Come to think of it... Isn't purgatory worse than fucking hell? As you know not what awaits you. Rings filled with torture and punishment or glorious paradise bringing peace to the soul.

Her sobs make my ears bleed and heart race. Running one hand up and down her back while the other holds her beneath the curve of her ass, I comfort her in the only way I know. With credence, I carry her body that is wrapped in azure net all over to the green room. The end is near and she cannot fall apart before the last moment.

Sitting her down on a chair, I untangle her limbs and wipe her tears away. "Talk to me Alia."

I can hear her heart pounding. "I wish it was not over. That we... That we... That... ugh." She whines and looks away.

I move and align our eyes. "That we what?" I whisper sterner than intended. My heart shrivels.

She blinks and for a moment I thinks she is going to choke. "I wish that we could still be together. Dance together." Her voice breaks and my eyes water. Fuck. "I'm going to miss you so much, just the thought of it breaks my heart Arjun." She throws her arms around me and sobs.

I thought I was just a self-serving, arrogant and an insensitive fucking fool who would rub salt in her wounds by demanding she throws her book of principles and prudent ways down the fucking drain and be mine.

But, when I put myself in her shoes, I feel her need for distance from distractions and hear her reasoning. So, I say the words, I would never dream of uttering before I fell in love with Alia. "I know baby. I know. Im going to miss you too."

*****

After my non ballet items, I stand at the far end of the backstage and discreetly watch the performances that happen with unfocused eyes. One of the students give a really adorable thank you speech to Miss Shona and she quietly sniffles. It is very precious moment, worth a million dollars. It reminds me of the latter notes of Kodaline's All I Want.

So you brought out the best of me
A part of me I've never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens

The exhilarating music setting my soul on fire even if it's just from the distant voice of my memory. As the dramatic scene plays before me, I try to capture the final moments of the ballet production. I am not a sentimental person, never have been, but this time, I know I'll have to tow these memories in my mind to make up for the awaiting pain. How I wish it wasn't so though.

After the final vote of thanks and celebratory present distribution, the students start piling out of the huge auditorium, like they just spent the last few hours walking aimlessly in a park. Like it did not matter. Some of them crowd Miss Shona and do their thing, whatever it is.

Alia sits down on the edge of the stage and watches the dispersing audience with fixated eyes. I do not wish to know or share her feelings this moment.. I have my own to sort. On that note, I head to the dressing rooms and close the door behind me, leaning against it heavily.... Reining my tears. 

*****

I have always held her differently. I have always seen her in a different light. I have felt different since she came into my life.

But now, all of it somehow collapses in comparison, and I can't possibly compare it to what it felt like today.

I have experienced love before and I cannot derogate my previous relationship for any reasons. Not only because I have absolutely no right but also, because somewhere deep down its taught how to value real emotions. Real joy, real friendship, real love and I think attraction. Hot white pleasure, undeniable tension and a kind of madness that makes me question my sanity every damn second.

I'm attracted to her mind, I'm attracted to her smile, her wide, wide smile. She does not realize it, and its actually quite funny when she smiles too hard and a peak of her bottom row of teeth are visible. It's an awkward smile, but it makes my heart skip. It makes the edge of my eye crinkle and mostly, it makes me smile.

As a boy, perhaps I should hate to admit that I spend several minutes imagining so many scenarios revolving around us. Listening to her rant about classic novels and argue or pull her leg just for the heck of it, slyly hoping she'll try to squeeze my neck and give me the opportunity to grab her wrists and push her down. Pin her under my body, grind our foreheads together and give her all the more incentive to scream into my face.

It is stupid right? of course it is. I sound like one besotted love-struck fool. The ultimate dumbass with a knack at achieving self-humiliation. Hell, I'm deserving of more pathetic titles, but, its only because I know and realize and fucking accept that in this moment, I truly am one fucked up and besotted love-struck fool.

And tonight, as we slowly and steadily, one perfect twirl after one perfect step, bound the entire audience into a spell, by just gazing right through each other, I know I cannot just fight off these feelings. I have been given a second chance at  at.. Say it Arjun! Just say it, asshole! I inhale deeply and urge myself.

Alias given me a second chance to feel this again. And this isn't just a heady sensation, its a wild and invigorating experience in itself. I feel tied to her to immensely and wholly now, at a level where I can sense her presence, identify her scent, anticipate her movements and know about her thoughts. Its a bit like sinking into each other.

Its also quite soppy and poetic. For instance, I want to go out on that stage and shout out like a neanderthal and profess my love for her. That's it. That's fucking it. My love for her. All of it. And then grab a mike from somewhere and sing a couple of lines from Matthew Barbers And you give.

I need your love, like the air I breathe
I need it more than you could ever believe
And you give, and you give, give it to me
And you give, and you give, all that I need oh
And I take, and I take, the blood that you bleed
And you give, and you give, give it to me oh

Alia steered my life onto a track that's actually going to lead me, us, hopefully to a destination. I was aimlessly wandering before, reading sonnets and feeling empty and ridiculous, but now, even organic chemistry and neoliberalism seems okay. It feels brighter, it feels shinier, I feel happier and confident. There's a rush and constantly spurting excitement within me, that I understand yet constantly question the existence of.

It's not a dream, its just a better reality. And that would be my definition of love.

*********

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