Finding Him and Me

Chapter 75 - Feels like the end.

Do you know what it feels like after crying endlessly for 8 hours? Mourning one single person for what feels like weeks? Beating yourself up thinking where did I screw up? And even though the answers come back - you didn't baby, you push yourself back into that toxic cycle?

It feels like the end.

Life's so unbelievably fucked that, it's surreal. Like a dream. Like death. Worse than death, because you keep getting sucked back into the bitch that reality is.

Every single time you stop crying and whimpering for a few brief minutes, the toxicity that's now a part of you, envelopes you once again, and you fall apart. Piece by piece, block by block, bone by bone. And all you hear in the abyss of depression is the clear sound of your pained cries right into your ear. Crystal clear, every inhale, every howl. It all echoes.

You can't see until you wipe your glassy eyes with your fingers. But before you do that comes a question. Do I even have the energy to breathe, let alone raise my hand?

I'm sick of this new reality.

Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red.
Red. Red. Red.

I mourn my him to the song that reminds me of his spunk.

**********

The drive home from Chowdiah Memorial is a blur. There were too many bright lights outside that seemed to multiply under my watery vison. My mom got really worried and threatened to cancel my impending trip if I wouldn't tell her the whys and whats. So I told her that I was going to miss practice and that the show made me intensely emotional. Shona's sentiments towards me were heartwarming and that I would miss Arjun. I told her that he was a nice boy and we had great fun. I didn't tell her the final reason that caused me great pain though. I didn't tell her that Arjun is the love of my life, that's he's my it, he's my forever, but he broke our fairytale bubble by trying to kiss me against my wishes.

In that moment, I was terrified and aghast. I wasn't touched and my body didn't throb because he desired me viciously. No. I turned cold as ice and what was left of my heart died, completely flat-lined.

***********

Initially there's just too much pain. Pain that tears me apart every time that heart wrenching thought or flash of memory runs through my mind. I can't fight it when it possesses every bit of me. Tears race down my cheeks as sadness wracks my body and terror grips and tightens around my heart. I really can't escape it or free myself from its spirals.

I suppose I don't even try enough. Not only can I not stop the crying, I make a feeble attempt at even stopping. There is no way I can swallow it, but there is a way I can forget it. But I don't. I just play those tormenting images and voices in my mind on repeat and let it destroy me.

When I cross my arms over my chest, I feel my ribs holding my bursting lungs inside. The way it physically pushes my lungs inside, expelling the air out every time I sob. The sobs don't seem to stop. the frequency just increases and decreases from time to time.

Over the course of several long minutes that somehow just fly away, I end up curled helplessly and desperately on the bed. I have no recollection of ever getting up from outside my bathroom door, gazing at the wisp of silver light outside my window.

I'm not sure if I howl when a fit of wheezing or ball of emotions seize me, or do I pathetically shrivel into a bag of bones and gasp for my dear life. Because it undoubtedly seems like the end.