Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.36. Breaking Point

Celeste

The longer I stay in this prison the more I can feel myself slip away. Soon enough I will lose so much of myself that I'll have nothing left. My mental health is depleted and my physical health isn't that far behind. My body is so weak it hurts to move and it hurts to breathe. He's draining me of everything so I don't have the strength to fight him on these things anymore and the worst part is it was working. It's getting so bad that his assistants don't even want to come over anymore. They leave his food at the door because they don't want to talk to him. His agent is over trying to cover his ass every time he blows up after a game. Even when they win hes insufferable to be around. And lucky me I get to have to deal with it all day.

It was obvious our marriage was over. I sleep in the spare room now, I don't talk to him unless I have to. We put on a show for everyone outside of this apartment but in here... in here is constant turmoil. If I could I would take off this stupid ring and throw it at his dumb ass head right this second. But I can't yet, for some reason he thinks living like this is better than us being apart and I don't get why. Neither of us are happy, he just wants the title of husband and he wants the power over me, nothing more. But I'm sure there is another girl out there sorry enough to think this is all worth it. But it ain't me.

I'm not sure how much longer I could put up with this. I feel sick, like physically sick about what is going on inside these doors then he has the nerve to tell everyone we're as happy as we have ever been. I don't think he is capable of feeling true happiness. Nothing makes him happy and that makes him a sad sad man.

I sit down at the table for dinner as he sits across from me. I look at my plate and see a small side salad and a little piece of salmon. This wasn't enough to get my strength up but it was better than just the salad so I eat the salmon first. I could feel James' eyes on me as he watches my every mood.

"Should you be eating that" James asks and I look at him like he has lost his mind.

"What is that supposed to mean" I question.

"I mean you've already have enough on your plate. You don't need that" he claims.

"James I barley eat as is. If I eat any less I'm going to get really sick. The body needs nutrients and I'm not a fucking rabbit. I need food" I tell him.

"It sure doesn't look like it" he mumbles.

I just roll my eyes as I push my plate away from me. Out of everything he makes me hate about myself there is nothing I hated more than my body. I looked gross, no one who is heathy should be this small. And the fact he has the audacity to suggest that I shouldn't be eating fired me up. "Fine. I won't eat. I'll starve to death and that will be on your hands" I tell him.

"You're being over dramatic" he claims.

"I'm not James. I don't feel good. I feel sick because you order all my meals to the apartment then only let me eat part of it. The nutrionist thinks I get enough food because he gives me what I need but then you try and throw half of it away before I can eat it. So he gives me what I need if I eat everything he gives me then you throw it away so I don't get what I need. That's sick. Then you have to audacity to try and make me feel bad for eating what little you give me? You can see my ribs when I'm standing and my clothes barley fit anymore because they are so baggy. Why would I need to be any smaller" I wonder

"It was just a suggestion calm down" he tells me.

"Why should I calm down when it's my body you're talking about here? You don't know what it's like to be so hungry your stomach gets sharp pains. You don't feel the same I do when people look at me and can see my bones. Shouldn't I get a say to what I look like or what I eat? I can't take this kind of abuse any longer James just please, let me leave" I beg.

"You're staying" he demands.

"Why? So you can starve me to death" I accuse.

"If it's such a problem then your fucking food then! If that's what you want so badly eat your food" he tells me.

"All I want is to get far away from you" I scream.

I pull on shoes and I coat and I leave him at that table. I knew in this exact moment that I was done. There was so many reasons I wanted out but I had hit my breaking point. It was over with and I wasn't going to be with him anymore. My escape plan begins now.

I walk over to the nearest park and I sit on the swings by myself. I think about how happy I once was when I played on these as a kid and what I would do to find that again. I am in so much pain and while people know that now, they don't really know. They don't feel what I feel and in a way I'm happy about that. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon James himself.

My eyes end up on the stars as they shine above me. There was a few clouds blocking them but I could still find the bright ones. I wonder if my dad was up there watching over me. And if he was if he could give me some answers because I was lost. I was beyond lost in it all and I just wanted out. No matter what I had to get out.

After spending about a hour at the park softly sniffling to myself I return to the apartment. I could hear last weeks game on the tv in the bedroom so I know James was watching film, not giving a shit about me. So I go into the room I have been staying in and pack and look around. I try to plan and plot something. Anything to give me a sense that the end was near and that I could be free again