Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.86. An Act Of Weakness

Celeste

There are many things that make up a good relationship. Of course love is important but it's not sustainable without other things like trust and communication. While not every relationship is the same they all need the same moral ideals in order to work.

And I like to think Anthony and I's relationship is as good as it gets. But we're not perfect.

I'm not perfect.

I get home from looking around at some baby things for Stella's room and I find Anthony sitting in the dark. I walk over to him to see what's up because they've been doing pretty good out on the field. I assume that wasn't the problem but I don't know what else could get him all gloomy like this.

"Hey babe, what's up" I ask him.

"The mail came while you were out so I picked it up" he tells me.

Immediately I knew what this was about. And I knew that no matter what I said it's not going to end well for me.

"Oh" I say softly. He turns to me with a letter in his hand and I swallow hard.

"Do you want to tell me why there is a letter directed to you from the state jail? Because I know who it's from and I know what in here but I'm not sure why he is sending you letters" he accuses.

I don't answer him as my eyes go to the ground and stay there. My heart starts thumping so loud I hear it ringing in my ears. I try to find the words to explain what's happening because it's not what he thinks. Not at all. But I didn't tell him about the letters either so why should he believe me?

"James has been writing me ever since he got in there. No one comes to see him but he still writes me" I admit.

Anthony throws the letter onto the table making me jump a little. I step back not because I thought he would hit me but because I can feel how upset he is with me and I wanted to get far away from that feeling.

"So he has been writing you letters for months and you didn't think to tell me? I've been thinking this whole time that you left him behind but you're dragging him along with us, in our relationship" he accuses.

"I didn't know how to tell you" I whisper.

"You told me you weren't talking to him ever again. When he called you right before he got convicted you told me and him that you were never going to listen or talk to him again. You lied to me" he says.

"I haven't sent him anything back" I promise.

"But you've read them" he asks.

I silently nod my head trying to stop the tears from coming. He lets out a huff as he shakes his head. "So did you keep them" he wonders.

"I threw away the first one but the rest are in a shoe box in he closet" I admit. Maybe nows not the best time to come clean but it's already out there. Why not?

"Why do you keep letting him get to you" he questions.

I shrug my shoulders before letting them fall. "I don't know. Part of me hopes that one day I'll forgive him for what he did to that little girl and her family, to what he did to me. I tell myself that maybe he's changing in there. Maybe he's getting better" I say.

"He doesn't deserve your sympathy" Anthony reminds me.

"I know but..." I trail off.

"But what Celeste? I just... I don't get why you would keep these. Why you would even open them. Why you would lie to me" he asks.

"I didn't think it made a difference. He's still in here and I'm out here. He has to pay for what he did but I'm still paying too. I still get so much hate for divorcing that man. I'm not hearing him out I'm trying to move on" I try.

"So lying to me was how you wanted to do that? How do you think I feel when I find out my girlfriend is stashing love letters from her ex? That you're keeping them" he asks.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you Anthony. He's my problem and not yours and I didn't want you to worry" I sigh.

"I'm worried Celeste" he admits.

The room falls silent as I try to fight the tears. I really never meant to make him upset or question whether or not I want to be with him. Even if James was never in that car accident I wouldn't be with him. But it's kind of hard for me to get him to believe that considering there's so much I haven't told him.

I go into the bedroom and pull out the letters. I hand them over to Anthony and he reluctantly takes them.

"I'm not going to keep them anymore. I'm not sure why I did in the first place. Maybe it gave me some peace that after all those years of me needing him he finally needed me. He was the one in chains and I'm the one in control. Maybe I wanted proof that even the worst of people can change. Or that I can be something that changes him. I don't know. But I don't want them anymore" I say softly.

"Or you're just getting rid of them because you got caught. How do I know you're not lying to me about talking to him? Or that you kept these because you miss him" he asks.

"Read the letters. He says over and over again how he wishes I would write. How no one has come to visit him or talked to him since he's been in there besides his mother. He talks about how I was the one thing in his life he thought was stable but he doesn't have me anymore.

And he doesn't, you do. My heart, my mind, my soul, it's all with you. I wouldn't throw away a second of my time with you for a lifetime of money and fame with him. Wouldn't even consider it. I know it's hard to believe but I never once kept those letters in the hopes we would be together again. That bridge had been burning long before I met you and it's been gone the second he signed those divorce papers.

I love you. I want you. That has never changed" I promise.

"I believe you" he admits. "But..."

"You don't trust me" I finish for him.

"I get why you did it. I just thought we were in the kind of relationship that was strong enough that you wouldn't feel the need to keep this from me" he claims.

I sit down next to him on the couch and set my hands on my belly. "This wasn't a act of mistrust. It was a act of weakness. None of this had to do with you or the state of our relationship. I don't know what would have happened if you never found that letter. I probably would have burned them at some point. Maybe wait for him to get out them shove them back in his face. Make him eat his words. I don't know. But no matter what this had nothing to do with you. It was something I thought would give me closure" I admit.

"I thought you had closure. I didn't even know about that" he sighs.

"Look at me" I beg. He turns to me and I can see in his eyes this hurt him. And I hated that it did. He was right. Our relationship is better than this. Built off of trust and truth that I have broken. And I have to be the one to fix it.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. If I could go back and tell you the day I got that first letter I would. But I can't. All I can do now is promise that I won't go it again and if James ever comes up again I will trust in you to help me through it" I say.

He sets the letters down and turns to me. His hands cup my face as he pulls me into a long kiss. "I'm so sorry" I whisper on his lips.

"It's okay baby. I was just scared that he was getting in your head again. You worked so hard to move on and I didn't want to lose you" he explains.

"I'm with you, forever" I promise.