Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.66. The Real World

Celeste

After my mom shuns me for not taking good care of myself she finally convinced me to go to the hospital to check out why I was feeling so groggy. Anthony was out of town for a few days so it's not like I can lean on him if something is wrong. I historically don't do too hot by myself but I had to do this one on my own. The idea of something being wrong was enough to keep me away this long. I haven't gone to the doctors in a while because if I don't go they can't tell me all the things I messed up with. They can't tell me I'm still underweight or that I'm not in a good mental state. By avoiding the doctors I avoid the truth.

But I haven't felt well in a while and I tried to change my diet and exercise but it wasn't working. School was kicking my butt and keeping up with theses games was becoming increasingly more impossible at the rate I'm going. I haven't said anything to Anthony because I don't want him to worry, but I also don't want to feel like this any longer either.

So I set up an appointment and trudge on over all by myself. They check my height and my weight which is as close to average as it's been since I was in college which makes me feel better. At least the doctor won't be all over me for that.

They ask me my symptoms and they take blood pressure and temperature and all of that good stuff. I sit on the table in complete silence with nothing but my thoughts. I was checked for breast cancer not too long ago and I didn't have any tumors or bad blood counts. That's the fear my mom has but they never found any indications that I would follow in her foot steps. But they still draw some blood just in case. I stare at the posters on the wall trying not to freak out.

After what feels like forever my doctor comes in. He looks through his papers very carefully and I start to get nervous. My life has been going so well I couldn't take bad news now.

"Miss Daniels, it's good to see you" he starts as I raise a eyebrow.

"Is it" I ask. It's usually not good to be seeing a doctor.

"It is. It looks like you've been doing well with your weight and development since we saw you last" he noticed and I smile a little.

"Being in a healthy relationship does wonders" I admit.

"So you're here today because you've been feeling unwell. Tired, moody, muscle aches, headaches, correct" he asks.

"Yes" I nod.

"And here it says you take birth control and have a prescription to help you gain weight daily, correct" he questions.

"That is correct" I insist.

"Okay. Do you think there is any way that you could be pregnant" he asks.

"Of course not" I scoff.

"Why not" he wonders.

I sit there for a second as I think for a second. And all of the sudden it hits me. "Holy shit" I gasp.

"According to your blood work here it says your pregnant. And every single one of your symptoms match that of someone early in pregnancy when the body is starting to alter to carrying a child. I know you're on the pill but those aren't 100% effective. If you and your partner rely souly on the pill there's a chance it could have failed" he tells me.

Don't gotta remind me that the pill isn't always effective. I got the trauma to prove that.

"How will I know" I wonder.

"The bloodwork is pretty accurate but we can set you up for a ultrasound, unless you want to wait" he says.

"I want to wait for that. I have a lot to talk about with my boyfriend and I don't want to take any big steps until I'm sure and we talk about it" I say.

"Okay. We will run a urine test to be positive. Between those two is probably the most reliable. Then we can get you settled with whatever you need to feel better" he promises.

So he goes off to run some more tests and I sit on that uncomfortable ass table covered in one ply toilet paper that sounds like fire crackers every time I move. I lay back because I'm sure it's gonna be a while and I just stare up at the ceiling. My mind going a mile a minute trying to process what is happening.

This felt like a dream because in a perfect world I would be pregnant. I would run into Anthony's arms and I would tell him that we're starting a family and we would just build our future together, no questions asked. Everyone would be supportive and happy. No one would question our love or the past and I can just move forward. No ties to what happened before and nothing but a beautiful future together.

But this isn't a perfect world, it's the real world. I was still hurting from the last time I was pregnant never really being able to heal. My body is fine but my mind, my heart, it still aches. It wonders what kind of mother could let a man do that to her child? It wonders if I'm deserving of a baby after all.

I wanted kids, like hell I wanted kids. But this is still the real world and I don't know what kind of mother I can be. Or what people would say about our baby given the little knowledge they know about Anthony and I. We know that this love is end game but a lot of people don't believe us. And it shouldn't matter but at the end of the day it does. I always see what crazy shit they come up about me and I don't want this babies life to be decided for it before it's even born.

There was so much going through my mind right now and I just wish Anthony was here. I wish he was here so I wouldn't have to tell him and he would already know. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him that somehow, someway this pill was defective again. Maybe I should have gotten a iud or the shot but I hated the thought of James having more control over my body than he already did. But if it saved me from having this conversation then I would have done it.

The doctor comes back to me and confirms what he saw the first time. I wasn't showing and my symptoms were mild so he didn't think I was too far along. He goes over my options which I knew a little too well. We schedule a real appointment to see where we're at and I thank him. I couldn't take ibuprofen but he suggested some prenatal vitamins to help with being tired and Tylenol for the headache. Hopefully those things will take the edge off until we know more.

I go back to the apartment trying to stay composed but that's easier said than done. I wasn't sure how to tell Anthony or what I was feeling even if I found the courage to tell him. All I ever wanted was a kid and now it's happening again and I'm so scared. Terrified of how my past is going to affect my future.

I stare at Anthony's number on my phone for 15 minutes before finally tucking it away. Somehow some way I have to tell him. I'm just not sure how. All I know is that I hope he knows what to do or what to say or this can get really bad really fast.