Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.76. Guilt

Anthony

As we move farther and farther into the summer it seems like time is flying by. In the blink of an eye it's June and we're a few months into the season. And things were going well, the team looked good and I was doing great personally. The foundation is breaking all barriers when it comes to raising money and helping people. I don't want to say life is perfect because such a thing doesn't exist. But I can't think about what I would want to change either.

I decide to have Hannah fly out to be with us and help get ready for the baby to get here. Being a teacher summer is about the only time we can see a lot of her. I know it means a lot to Celeste for her mom to be here with her as she goes along her own journey to motherhood. And I feel bad that I can't be there for her with the crazy schedule I have so this was a little gift to make up for the fact that at some points I'm gone for weeks at a time.

Since I have Hannah here with us I recruit her to do a surprise baby shower for Callie. There was a friends and family one and then one with the Cubs but that one is already taken care of. We decide to wait until next month for the personal one so we have time to rent a venue and get things ordered. Now that we have a name and the theme is known we can start looking at decorations and cute cookies and games. Hannah was a natural at all of this being a school teacher. She knew how to plan and where to look and all the creative ideas. I was lucky to have someone like Hannah in my life, and I'm not just saying that. She has a special place in my heart, I feel a connection with her. Even before all of this I knew this woman would mean a lot to me, and I can't wait for one day to call her mom.

"I have some of Callie's baby clothes I can bring out for the baby shower. I'm sure she will find a use for them" she admits.

"I think she would love that. That is if we have any room left in the babies room. She's already bought so much I had to remind her that she's going to have a baby shower at some point and she's not going to have a place for any of it to go anywhere" I shake my head.

"At least she's excited. I haven't seen her this happy since, well since she met you" she claims and I smile.

"It wasn't always like that. The news of a baby is a big one, especially when you weren't planning for one. But we've talked a lot since she first told me and now she couldn't be happier. I know this is a rough subject for her but like always shes super strong. Stronger than I can ever imagine" I admit.

"Strength is powerful but sometimes strength can be a weakness. Having a strong heart means something else becomes weak in order for it to become so strong. Usually the mind is what weakens to make room for the heart. And the mind can convince you of so many different things. It can tell the heart that something isn't wrong when it really is" she explains.

I sit there for a moment because that was a really specific answer. "She gets her heart from you" I assure her.

"I hope she's a better mother than me, I really do. Because she was so unhappy, so depressed and I couldn't see it. That man made her miserable but he played me and made me happy so I didn't say anything. I know there isn't much I could have done, but I truly feel like I let her down. She felt like she had no one, she was fighting so many demons created by her mind left by her heart and she was alone. What kind of mother can't see these kinds of things" she asks me.

My chest tightens because I know she meant those words that flew out of her. I don't think she meant to say them but I do think they were meant to come out one way or another.

"She didn't want you to see those things. You couldn't see because she was hiding it thinking she was protecting you" I argue.

"I wasn't the one who needed protected" she says softly.

"There was no way to know. James, he had everyone fooled" I insist.

"Not you. You saw from the first time you met her that there was a problem. I was there for years and I had no idea" she tries.

"I found her on the ground crying, it was pretty easy for me to see through the walls she put up. But I hope you know the only reason she turned herself around was because she wanted to be a good mother like you. She admires you so much, wants to mean to her kid what you mean to her" I promise her.

I see a small smile come up on her face and I knew I was finally getting to her. I admired her just as her daughter did. I hate knowing that she feels like this but I get it. The guilt, I feel it too. I might have been the person to help her out of that relationship but I also sat by for months watching this unfold to the point that it broke everyone down. Even Celeste feels guilt about how things went down, no one in this situation gets out scratch free.

But look at us now. We're better off than any of us imagined and that's because the strength these girls found outweighed the troubles the mind convinced them of.

"What a life this is, huh" she asks and I laugh.

"It's crazy how things fall apart, only to come together in the end. Every part of my life I hate, I need it and I hate that too. I wish cancer never effected me but if it didn't I would have never been in the position to help you. I wish James never had a chance with Celeste but if it wasn't for him being so god awful I would have never had met Callie on the street that day. You can't have one without the other" I admit.

"Ain't that the truth. In a perfect world my husband would still be here. Maybe I would have had more kids and I wouldn't be as close to my daughter as I am now. And any timeline that has me meeting you is the one I want to be in. You reminded me that true love is real and it's powerful. It can save a soul and a life. I'm really happy I can do this with you" she smiles.

"Yeah, me too" I nod.