Celestial Love (Anthony Rizzo)

.8. Change

Celeste

Living a life in a spotlight when no one knows what you go through is so hard. Your friends whisper about the situation you're in, they have an idea about what you go through but they aren't allowed to say anything. You would think that he couldn't possibly get away with what he has because so many people are involved in our lives. I see at least three assistants a day and have to talk to them and they watch me like a hawk. But the only protection you can find here surrounds his ego.

And it wasn't always like this. James has always been cocky, always was sure as himself but he was a lot sweeter in high school. Even his first two years here in the league he was a likeable guy, players came to Chicago just to play with him. I had freedom and we were a power couple. Now all the power is in his hands and he's not afraid to use it. Like a story book villain just figuring out what he can do, and that no one is going to stop him.

I've voiced my concerns to him, I've let him know I don't like being cheated on, I don't like not being able to go out without his permission and I don't like him controlling everything from the food I eat to the clothes I wear. I hated it. But he doesn't seem to care, he calls me crazy for complaining about him handing me everything and me not having to pay or work for anything. But he's handing me gasoline and a match and expecting me not to explode.

I'm grateful for all he's done for me. The apartment is beautiful, the wedding was a dream come true. But we got married in 2012, thats five years and a million heartbreaks ago. And if I knew this was my fate, if I knew this was how I would end up, I would have walked away from the alter. Not a second thought in my head. Not a regret in my heart.

And now, now he realizes that I was close to my breaking point. I've been unhappy for a while but we fight almost every day now. He promised to stop going out and cheating. He promised to treat me better but I just don't believe him.

"Come on baby" he begs as he grabs my hand. For someone as manipulative as he is he sure does a lot of begging.

"James I'm tired. I am so tired of this" I try as I pull my hand away from him.

"What are you going to do if you leave? I made you what you are" he reminds me.

"What am I James, huh? A side piece with a ring? A spineless little girl who doesn't know what's good for her? People think I'm weak for staying with you but I'm still here because I'm strong enough. But I'm sick and tired of feeling like an object. People write these things about me saying that I am the only thing in your life keeping you stable and I'm stuck in here losing my mind" I tell him.

"Then what the fuck do you want from me" he asks.

"Some space, something" I try.

"How about we go on a vacation" he offers.

"I'm sorry but there's nowhere in this world nice enough to make up being stuck in yet another place with you" I tell him.

"God you're so impossible" he accuses.

"Me? At least you're allowed to go out, you can go fuck around for days but the moment I try to go shopping by myself I'm the worst person in the world. I'm literally trapped in this life that you made, not one of my own. And I'm lost. I don't know my favorite foods or places to go in the city. All the answers you feed me, it taste like shit" I scream.

"You agreed to this when you said I do" he claims.

"I agreed to keep loving you, to help you when you're down and be by your side when you're up. But the love is forced, me being with you in public is forced. I can't even be pictured with someone you don't approve of" I tell him.

"You're literally complaining about nothing" he says.

"I'm not" I sigh. "But you don't care."

"I told you, I'm going to stop messing around and I'm going to try and be nicer" he says.

"Those are things you shouldn't have to be asked to do" I remind him.

"I'm trying. I promise" he claims.

He placed a soft kiss on my neck as I choke back the tears. I wanted so bad to push him off but I don't. I let him force himself upon me because I lost all my strength trying to reason with him.

"Why don't we go out tonight" he asks.

"Where" I wonder not really in the mood to keep fighting.

"How about George's place" he asks.

"That's fine" I sigh.

"See, that wasn't so bad" he tries.

If only he knows how much I die inside when I'm with him.

I take a long hot shower and change into a nice gold dress. The diamond necklace he got me for Valentine's Day rests on my hollow chest as I try to find a heart beat underneath it. But I've been dying a little more inside every day I'm stuck up here. I add the matching earrings and apply my makeup and I was finally acceptable to be out with James in public. We go to his buddies steak house and I'm met with flashing lights. They act like this man was the second coming of Jesus Christ. I guess when you win the first football championship in Chicago in 40 years that does it to you, then you do it back to back and you might as well be Jesus Christ. But what does that make me?

I smile for the cameras and put on my happy face. Every second I am out of that apartment I have to be smiling to sell this happy couple story that seems to sell better than anything.

We finally get inside and sit down. James looks over the menu and I just stare at him. I try to figure out where the man I loved went. Why he went away. How can someone who seemed so stable fall apart so quickly? I was lost in his mess, not sure where to go. Who to turn to.

And the worst part is the one person I want to see, the only person I can talk to, he is out there somewhere wanting to be with me. And I wanted to be with him. But instead I'm living a lie and I don't know how much more I can take.