Creepypasta Headcannon Oneshots: Book One

The One With The Radiation Sickness (feat. guest star pancakes)

"All the creepypasta who live with Slender have extremely good immune systems. The reason for this is the Sigma Radiation Slendy emmits. Because of this, they're all slightly radioactive. Nothing major, mind you, just enough to kill any viruses that infiltrate their systems."

"I'm going to die."

EJ's eye twitched. "You're not going to die, relax already."

"Death is approaching, Eyeless. I can see the light, 'tis truly beautiful- oi!" EJ whapped you on the back of the head with the handle of his spatula, fixing you with a disapproving look. "Bastard, what the hell was that for?"

"There will be no mentions of death whilst I'm cooking; I absolutely forbid it," he muttered, turning back to his pancakes.

(You weren't 100% sure whether they were cannibalism-free, but with EJ, you figured it was wise to ask.)

He snorted, "Well, I'm sure as hell not going to eat them."

Alright, there was your answer.

You glared suspiciously at one of the pancakes, "Are these irradiated, too?"

EJ's eye twitched.

"(Y/N)," he said, setting his spatula down on the countertop. "I speak from the heart: please shut up about dying from radiation poisoning."

You flailed your arms in the air.

"But you're all radioactive!" You hissed.

"Only slightly!" EJ snapped back, then shook his head. "Jesus Christ, (Y/N), you're more likely to catch radiation sickness by walking by a nuclear reactor than you are by living here. It's sigma radiation. That's different."

You fell silent. EJ took that to mean that he was on the right track.

"I mean really, it's Brian and Timothy who do the grocery runs. Don't you think they would've irradiated someone by now if that were the case? They've been here longer than any of us."

"I guess so..." you muttered, leaning against the countertop. You fell silent again, and EJ took that as his cue to keep talking.

"Besides, you've already got your own sigma-signature, or at least the beginnings of one-"

You stood bolt upright, "I have?!"

EJ shot you a sideways stare, "Yeah? (Y/N), you've been here for nearly a half year, now. Most people pick one up in half that time." He frowned, suddenly. "I don't know why it's taken you so long..."

The second part of his sentence fell on deaf ears.

"Does that make me a creepypasta?"

Because there was a difference, you had discovered, between human and creepypasta. Some kind of shift occured somewhere along the line to turn one into the other- problem was, you didn't know what that shift was, or when exactly it occured.

EJ's expression darkened, "No. And pray you never do, (Y/N)."

You didn't have to ask why- the specifics you were still unsure of, but you knew 'it-' that is to say, the 'shift-' the moment when it occured? It wasn't a nice moment.

EJ looked troubled, now, so you saw fit to swing the conversation back to a lighter topic, "Hey, at least this way I'll be able to use the Slender-ports," you teased, lightly nudging his side.

EJ took the bait, thankfully, "Oh, thank God," he said. "I was getting tired of carpooling you everywhere."

"Hey! It's not my fault I can't get the roads to work properly for me!"

"You know, Jeff's a disaster behind the wheel and he seems to manage just fine."

"Jeff crashed into a tree not two minutes after he got into the car and totaled the engine so badly it blew up," you deadpanned, and EJ chuckled.

"Well. I never said the car managed just fine, only that he did."

"Oh my-" you froze, suddenly, sniffing the air. "EJ, does something smell... burnt, to you?"

The demon froze, then wordlessly turned to the pancake in the pan, which was, to the surprise of absolutely no one, currently on fire.

"Well, fuck."

(Truth be told, I've kind of moved away from the idea that these guys just kill mindlessly with no care to who they're murdering. It doesn't sit well with me, so, new headcanon- the people that they kill are the scum of society. R*pists, p*dophiles, human tr*ffickers, ab*sers, to name a few.)