Creepypasta Headcannon Oneshots: Book One

The One With The English Candy (feat. clown 101)

"Because LJ is always on a sugar high, he monitors how much candy he eats VERY closely to ensure he doesn't crash. He's only muffed up once, and the resulting crash made him black out for nearly 24 hours. Since then, a few other Noodles have taken it upon themselves to silently monitor LJ's sugar intake, just in case."

"Alright, and now we have caramels-"

"No," LJ muttered petulantly from where he was laying facedown on his bed, face mushed into his pillow. "Nein, no, non- no."

Jeff's eye twitched, but he carried on nonetheless, "We've got a Curly Wurly, some Jelly Babies, Midget Gems-"

LJ made a noise akin to a dying whale. "Just leave me here to rot, Jeffy," he beamoned. "I deserve it."

Jeff made a face like he'd sucked on a particularly sour lemon, "If only it were that easy," he muttered, then went back to inspecting LJ's candy stash. "Sports Mixture, Flakes, Frutella, Barley Water- why have you got Barley Water, it's not even proper candy-"

"Spoken like a person who's never had it," LJ muttered into his pillows. "Shit's sweet, Jeffery."

"Yeah I'd kind of gathered that," Jeff muttered. "Well? Come on man, you need to eat something."

"What's the point?" LJ asked. "My reputation is in tatters."

Jeff looked like he was considering throwing something at the clown. "You never really had one to begin with," he pointed out through gritted teeth, and LJ glared at him.

"Thanks, Jeff," he snapped. "You're really helping."

Jeff threw his hands in the air, "I'm not exactly wrong though, am I?" He asked. "It's not like you spend your time volunteering at a circus or whatever."

LJ seemed to wilt further into the bed, "Not that I'd be able to even if I wanted to," he said sadly, and Jeff turned and hit his head against the clown's bedside table a few times.

"LJ. Jack." The clown looked up at the mention of his name. Jeff looked highly uncomfortable. "It's... one test," he said. "One test out of thousands. You can retake it."

LJ stared at him for a moment, then let his head hit the pillow again, "Do you know how many times I've taken that test, Jeffy?" He asked.

Jeff sighed, "Thirty-six-"

"Thirty-six times!" The clown cried. "I've failed Clown 101 thirty-six times!"

(A slight pause.

"Tell anyone and I kill you."

"Yes, LJ, we've been through this before. I know the rules.")

Jeff kneaded his temples, "Yes, I know, but that's not a reason to give up."

LJ looked genuinely miserable, "It's a sign from the universe, it must be," he muttered. "I'm not fit to be a clown, I never was- mmpf!"

"Oh for the love of- quit your moping already!" Jeff snapped, absently cramming a chocolate bar in LJ's mouth with one hand while tearing open a packet of Sports Mixture with the other. "Come on man, get it together! So you failed again, who cares? You did better than you did last time!"

"By three points-"

"BY THREE POINTS!" Jeff shouted. "You got zero percent the first time you did it! Zero percent! And now look at you! 63 percent! And the next time? 66 percent!"

LJ fell silent, ruminating on Jeff's words. After a moment, he offered a hesitant, "I suppose I could always take the test in Canada. Pass with a 50% instead of 75."

Jeff pounded a fist against the floor, "Exactly!" He exclaimed. "Think harder, not smarter, however the fuck the saying goes!"

"I think it's the other way around."

"Whatever!" Jeff stuffed more sweets in his mouth. LJ was now in serious danger of choking. "Now quit your fucking moping, get up, and go crush that test! Pummel it into the ground! DESTROY IT!"

Jeff was visibly trembling, eyes wide and maniac, and for the first time LJ noticed the candy wrappers littered around the smiling killer. Uh-oh.

"SLENDER!" Jeff hollered, leaping up from his spot next to LJ's bed. "SLEEEENDER WE NEED TO MAKE A SHIFT!"

He raced out of the room at breakneck speeds, and LJ balked momentarily before racing after him, melancholy forgotten.

"JEFF!" He yelled. "JEFF! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

Jeff tore down the halls, jumping down two flights of stairs before running smack-dab into LJ himself, who'd warped in front of him in an attempt to stop the killer.

As it was, LJ felt a bit like Jeff had run through him as opposed to into him, "Oh, my kidneys," he wheezed, bent double. "I don't like the color- Jeff, Jeff, cool it." One hand shot out to grab the killer's shoulder. "I am... in so much pain, holy fucking shit- later. I'll take it... later."

Jeff was still trembling, "You're- I've eaten enough sugar to give a heart attack to a water buffalo," he said rapidly. "Right now. Just now. Yes. I'm- I- Liu. Yes. I'm breaking into his tea stash. Yes. Chamomile- don't you dare fall over!" He snapped, steadying the clown when he swayed suddenly. "Gangly motherfucker, if you fall I ain't fucking catching you-"

LJ steadied himself on Jeff's shoulder, uncaring that the raven's knees were starting to buckle under the force he was exerting on them. "Why are you like this?" He asked, all in one breath. "Why are you like this?"

"Bastard, I could ask you the same thing!" Jeff snapped. "Go eat something! You're going to fucking crash!"

"I have to study!"

"Eat while you study, moron! It's not that hard!"

And that's how EJ found the two of them, an hour later, both sitting at the kitchen island- Jeff, sipping his third cup of chamomile, and LJ, ploughing through his fourth bag of Sports Mixture while fervently reading over his study notes.

EJ wisely left well enough alone.

(🎶ohhhhh imagine for a moment (ah-aa) with fruit as chewy as ~frutella~ 'cause fruit just isn't chewy enough, oh-ohh, fruit just isn't chewy enough, oh-ohh, fruit just isn't chewy enooooough! ohhhhhh imagine for a moment...🎶)