Creepypasta Headcannon Oneshots: Book One

The One With The Book Method (feat. ej's rapidly-deteriorating mental state)

"Slendy is usually quite patient. When you piss him off, he's usually the type to bide his time and get you back when you least expect it. There are a few instances when this mentality was thrown out the window, however. All of them included a book being thrown at someone with an alarming amount of strength. A few people have lost their heads when Slendy did this. He didn't really care though. They deserved it in his mind, for pissing him off so much he couldn't wait to get back at them and had to resort to the book menthod."

"You're an idiot," EJ admonished as he prepped a needle and thread off to the side. "An absolute idiot."

BEN scowled at him, "I left my game in the library; I went to go get my game. I rest my case."

EJ looked like he was about to blow a gasket, "Are you lacking in brain cells?" He snapped, roughly tilting the elf's head to the side to get at the cut on his hairline. "Genuinely asking."

BEN glowered at him, "It's not my fault!" He exclaimed. "Slender's just got really shitty aim!"

"Who the fuck was he aiming at?"

"Who the fuck do you think?"

EJ stared at him for a moment, then turned and smashed his head in against the wall, "Zalgo."

"Yeah," BEN confirmed. "The library's a damn war zone-"

On cue, Jeff stumbled into the med wing, clutching at his head.

"Honestly!" EJ was a flurry of movement as he shooed Jeff into a 'waiting chair' underneath the window. "If you see Slender and Zalgo in the same room together, don't go into the room!"

He was back at BEN's side, stitching up the cut on his forehead with more force than strictly necessary, "I told you all that you had to be careful," he said tartly, expertly tying off stitches. "'Nothing ever ends well when Slender and Zalgo are in the same vicinity,' I said, and did you listen?" He pulled too hard on a stitch, and BEN whimpered in pain. "No! Of course you didn't! Because why would you listen to your doctor when he tells you to do something- oh, for fuck's SAKE-"

LJ and Toby walked through the doorway, both with red welts at their foreheads.

"THAT'S IT!" EJ screeched. "LIBRARY'S OFF-LIMITS!"

"Better tell Brian and Tim that," LJ muttered. "They're on their way to deliver a status report."

EJ steered them into the 'waiting room,' then rushed back over to put a plaster against BEN's head. "Open those stitches and they'll never find your body- oh come on!" He wailed upon seeing Masky dragging a limp Hoodie inside. "What the fuck, Richard?"

He shooed BEN off the examination table, "Move, move!" He screeched. "What fucking book was he hit by?"

Masky recoiled, "I don't know!" He exclaimed. "I didn't exactly get a good look at it before I was brained myself!"

EJ seemed to be muttering prayers under his breath, "Mask off, mask off!" He snapped. "I can't see shit, mask off!"

Jeff raised his head.

"You don't really see much of anything to begin with, though," he slurred, and EJ whipped around to glare at him.

"You wanna get that concussion looked at, Jeff?" He hissed. "Then shut your mouth!"

(Needless to say, EJ was a little stressed.)

"Brian- Brian, hey, come on, look at me- there we go, yeah, you took a book to the noggin; do you remember that?"

Hoodie stared at him wordlessly. The cannibal sighed.

"Nope, of course not, why would you remember? That would make my life easy," he muttered, shining a light into the proxy's eyes. "Timothy, I'm blind; are his pupils doing anything they shouldn't be?"

"Uhh, no," Masky responded, caught off guard. "He's a little dazed, though-"

"He's been hit in the head with a book, of course he's dazed," EJ snapped, then taped an ice pack to Hoodie's forehead and pushed him off the table to make room for another.

"Mild concussion; nothing strenuous for the next two weeks, keep an eye on him and come straight back here if anything changes," he told Masky, rapid-fire as he bodily dragged Jeff out of the 'waiting room.' "For fuck's sake, Jeff, keep it together!"

"I feel like death," the raven muttered as he lolled about. He went a bit green. "I think I'm gonna be sick-"

Jack expertly leaped away as Jeff made good on his word, "What fucking book were you hit by?" He snarled.

"Big one," Jeff muttered, then collapsed against Jack's front. "Really big one."

EJ looked like he was considering the benefits of decapitation, "Alright, another concussion," he said, then snapped his fingers at Masky. "Medical tape, gauze, ice pack."

The proxy threw up his hands. "I'm injured too!"

"Are you currently on the floor unable to move?" EJ snapped. "No? Then congratulations, you've been promoted to assistant doctor! Get me the gauze!"

Jeff continued to loll around as EJ did his level best to keep him from face planting, "Keep him up," he said. "24 hours, then wake him up every hour- I swear to fucKING GOD- SLENDER!" He screeched, abandoning his post to storm out the door as (Y/N) came in with a black eye. "CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

There came a muffled crash from upstairs, followed by decidedly demonic swearing, and then EJ came back downstairs, wielding an umbrella stand like a baseball bat.

"I sWEar to gOD," he snarled. "iF ANY of yOU Go bACk upSTAirS aND comE BAcK WIth a cONCUssION, yOU won'T LIve to sEe yOUr nExt BIRthdAy."

They all stared at him in shock for a moment, then Jeff promptly fainted off the operating table.

EJ tossed his umbrella stand through the window, "OUT!" He screeched. "YOU'RE ALL TAKING UP ROOM, OUT, OUT!"

Flailing madly, the lot of you scrambled for the exit.

(Unrelated note: I think this might be my favourite
I'm wondering if it wouldn't be smarter for me to start labeling these with the actual content within the oneshot... what say you? (Also: in the event that I do wind up giving each oneshot its own special title I would be INFINITELY grateful if you guys could suggest names in the comments, because I'm absolutely horrific at coming up with titles XD.)