Creepypasta Headcannon Oneshots: Book One

The One With The Coffee (feat. lj's own terrifying caffeine high)

"LJ is always on a bit of a sugar high, which is why he has so much energy. This monochrome entity also has a natural curiosity, and is quite stupid. So when he saw a full pot of coffee in the kitchen, his first thought was:

"I wonder what'll happen if I down this entire thing?"

Needless to say, it was a disaster, but the whole household learned a very valuable lesson:

Never let LJ near coffee."

Now listen.

When the pasta told you you were on 'coffe duty,' you took that as 'make the best damn pot of coffee the world has seen in too fucking long.'

So that's what you did.

Everything was measured perfectly, you beamoned silently. The coffee beans themselves had been ground to perfection. The chemical composition had been exact- one teaspoon coffee, one teaspoon sugar to one demitasse** of water.*

So why, oh why had LJ felt the need to guzzle it all down without letting anyone else try it?

Jeff found you there, on the floor, staring despondently at the numerous empty brikia*** laying around the stovetop.

"(Y/N)?" He asked hesitantly. "Are you ok?" You sighed.

"All that coffee..." You mumbled. "All my hard work, gone down the drain..." Jeff knit his eyebrows.

"What?" He asked. You gestured weakly at the empty brikia.

"LJ drank all my Greek coffee," you mumbled. "Just- he just necked it! Just like that!" You shuddered. "He didn't even care about the coffee grounds..."

Jeff had gone very, very quiet. Then, softly, he asked you; "(Y/N)? Are you telling me LJ drank all the coffee? Like, as in, all the coffee that was ever in these pots?" You nodded sadly.

"Yep." You confirmed, and Jeff's already wide eyes went even wider.

"Wh-Where's he gone?" He asked, and your ears must be deceiving you because was that a hint of fear you detected in Jeff's tone?

"I don't know," you admitted. "He just... Ran off..." You trailed off at the look on Jeff's face. "Jeff?"

"We need to find the others," he blurted. "We need to find the others and get to the bunker, oh fuck me sideways with a chainsaw-"

You yelped when Jeff grabbed ahold of your arm and took off; you struggled to keep up with him. Normally Jeff was rather considerate when it came to your lack of creepypasta enhanced speed (not really though, but usually he wasn't this bad) but for whatever reason, today the speed was going full blast.

"Slow down!" You pleaded. "I can't keep up with you!" Jeff shook his head wildly, raven hair flying all over the place.

"No can do (Y/N)," He said. "We've gotta find everyone before-"

A mad laugh suddenly echoed through the hallways, and Jeff skidded to a stop, eyes blown wide with fear.

"Oh fuck," he muttered. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." You looked up at him from where you were hunched over trying to catch your breath and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" You asked. Jeff gulped.

"A quick lesson on creepypasta today, (Y/N)," he said. "On Laughing Jack in particular. See, he's always on a sugar high-"

"Really? I hadn't noticed." You drawled, unable to help yourself. Jeff shot you a warning glare in retaliation.

"He's always on a sugar high, right?" He asked, though you got the feeling he wasn't really asking a question. "And he just drank like 13 cups of coffee..." Your eyes went wide.