Creepypasta Headcannon Oneshots: Book One

The One With Jeff's Celery Debt (feat. jeff and lj's heart-to-heart)

"Because of the time period when LJ was 'born', and the fact that Isacc was of lower class, his English used to be pretty crap.

For example:

"Ok, you goes to the Slender-port, I goes to Newgate prison!"

LJ's English has improved since then (obviously) but when he's under extreme stress, (or just really excited) he'll start talking like that again."

It should have been a simple job, all things considered.

Go in, get out, preferably without alerting the police. Easy.

The problems started when Jeff tripped on the carpet. The problems got worse when, flailing madly, Jeff grabbed ahold of Laughing Jack in an attempt to stay upright. The problems got impossibly worse when Jack, who had the all the strength of a chocolate éclair, screamed like a small child and went down too. The problems decided they weren't dont being problems when they both fell down the stairs, spitting and cursing. Things were already looking pretty bleak, but when there was the chh-chh sound of a gun behind them accompanied by; "AIN'T NOBODY MESSIN' UP MY HOUSE," things really just started going downhill.

"RUN, FOOL!" Jeff shrieked, scrambling to his feet. Beside him, Jack did the same, and they both ran for the door.

Doorknobs take too long, though, especially when there's someone shooting at you. With this in mind, the only reasonable thing to do was run through the door, obliterating it and everything else in the way.

"WHERE'S THE FUCKING SLENDER-PORT?" Jeff screamed. Jack cursed violently and turned right, then immediately started running the other way when he realized it was a dead end.

"I don't know!" He snapped, casting a worried glance behind him. "Fuck fuck fuck, we're gonna go to prison-"

"There it is!" Jeff shrieked, pointing at a tree ahead of them.

Sure enough, if he concentrated, LJ could feel Sigma radiation radiating from that point. It was a Slender-Port, alright.

Now the only trouble would be activating it without getting noticed, but as a bullet skimmed his arm, LJ realized he really didn't care about formalities like that.

"ACTIVATE THE PORTAL!" Jack screamed, and Jeff slammed his hand into the Slender-Port, using his own, milder version of Sigma radiation to activate it.

(Everyone who lives in Slendy's mansion is slightly radioactive, if you remember.)

Nothing happened. Jeff stared at his hand for a moment, poorly concealed panic and horror dancing in his eyes, then tried again.

Nada.

"Why-isn't-it-working!" Jeff scowled, punctuating each word with a slam of his hand into the Operator's symbol*.

It clicked suddenly for Jack, and he groaned before kicking the side of the tree; "Slender revoked your sigma signature!" He hissed. "Remember? You kept using it to go to the supermarket and go into debt by buying celery!" Jeff cursed.

"Fuck!" He snapped, hitting the side of the tree. "Slender you motherfucking cocksucker, let us in!"

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened.

"Ok, ok," Jeff mumbled, spinning around to face their adversary. "Here's the plan: you activate the Slender-Port, go back, tell Slender he's a dick, and-"

"What, I goes home and you goes to the morgue?" LJ shook his head. "That's a great idea, Jeff."

Jeff stared at him quizzically for a moment, and Jack blanched when he realized what he'd said.

Fuck fuck fuck-

"Um- um- oh, sod it," he muttered, then grabbed ahold of Jeff's arm and activated the Slender-Port.

It was a little difficult to keep Jeff from being annihilated by the unadualturated Sigma, since the waypoint was actively working to keep him out, but as LJ wasn't entirely human and had his own type of radiation (the perks of being a magical entity, he supposed) he was able to keep Jeff safe.

Well. Most of him.

"God dammit," Jeff swore violently when they popped out of the portal on the other side. "LJ, you fucking prick, you got rid of my smile!"

LJ peered at the serial killer closely, ignoring Jeff's fidgeting; "It healed up," he observed. "Yous can cuts it again." Jeff scowled at the floor.

"'Yous can cuts it again,'" he mocked. "Alright, genius. Does yous has cutty-tools?" Jack scowled off to the side, willing the blush he could feel rising up his cheeks to go away.

"No need to be such a dick about it," he muttered. "Tallywhack."

Jeff scowled off to the side. Then, with more effort than it should have required, he muttered; "Sorry." Jack stared at him in shock.

"Are yous feeling alright?" He asked. "I could'a sworn yous just apologized." Jeff's scowl deepened.

"Bother me and I'll take it back," he snapped, then set off at a brisk pace towards the mansion. Jack hurried to catch up to him.

"So how'd you ruin my smile?" Jeff asked. "And what's with the speech pattern?" Jack decided to answer the less incriminating question.

"Used my own radiation and pulled yous through the portal. Helluva time tryna keep the sigma from destroying yous," he said simply, then raised an eyebrow at Jeff's surprised look. "What? Slender ain't the only otherworldly one around here. I has magics, too." Jeff stared at him for a moment, then shook his head.

"You are so fucking weird," he muttered. "And the speech?"

Jack frowned. Well, fuck.

"Well, err," he stalled for time. "I is older than I looks, yeah?" Jeff raised an eyebrow.

"We're all older than we look," he deadpanned. "We're immortal, LJ." Jack winced.

"Yeah, but I be even more so," he insisted. "I was around when they was still getting around on horse-drawn carriages." His frown deepened. "I was around when they was still using chimney sweeps." Jeff cocked his head to the side.

"Still doesn't explain your weird speech patterns," he said. "'Cause in case you haven't noticed, you don't normally talk like that." LJ sighed and went silent.

"I conditioned meself outta this particular manner of speech," he said after a moment. "'Kept gettin' made fun of. 'Course, it still comes backs when things goes all pear-shaped, but-"

"You're a master of evasion," Jeff interrupted him. "You haven't actually answered my question." LJ sighed again.

"I talks this way because Isaac talked this way," he said shortly, and Jeff went silent.

Five minutes passed before Jeff spoke up.

"I only pretend to be so fucking vain about my appearance," he said quietly, and Jack whirled around to look at him. Jeff refused to meet his eye. "Really, I couldn't care less. I just... after the accident, I didn't- I couldn't-" Jeff cut himself off with a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. "I make such a big deal out of it so people learn not to ask," he said quickly. "If they think they'll get a knife to the face, they won't- they won't make fun. So, um, yeah," Jeff kicked a rock. "Basically, I'm sorry I pushed. And if you tell anyone what I said you won't live to see tomorrow, capiche?" LJ smiled softly.

"Capiche," he replied, then nudged his friend. "Come on. Yous has to cuts your smile and I has to learn to talks."

(*I know it's from Marble Hornets relax
Fun fact: immediately after this Reader-Chan finds Jeff stumbling out of the bathroom, delirious with bloodloss. LJ is nowhere to be found.
Alright, lads, this is easily the closest this story has gotten to an update schedule in at least two years. Fingers crossed I manage to maintain it.)