addiction - hyunchan

six

"can we talk first? i get that it hurts. but i think it's time we have a real talk."

"i can't think straight right now. i need something..i need-"

"and you think you can think straight while on heroin? just give me a few minutes of your time. i need you sober enough. and right now is possibly one of the only chances i'll get" chan tried approaching this situation with a calm and relaxing voice to hopefully get the addict to comply. he wanted nothing to do with hyunjin, but the thought of potentially fixing what damage had been done between then was worth trying.

hyunjin nodded and took a seat on his bed while chan stood in front of him. he tried thinking of what to say but at the moment all his mind was screaming was "run, get out, take the drugs. go go go" and it was a reality he could accept. it seemed much easier then explaining his situation to 3 people who barely knew him.

"now let's talk, i'll make this quick because you're clearly in pain...but i want to know your story. what brought you to a point where you were taking drugs at 15, hyunjin?" chan questioned the boy who was picking at his skin like it was something that needed to be peeled off. it was a coping mechanism i guess you could say...but majority of the time he was unaware of what he was doing to himself.

"at first i just wanted to try something out, i was a dumb teen that just wanted to experience a little fun. so i started off with probably the safest route which was weed and then i started slipping occasionally pills from my parent prescriptions into my backpack so i could get high at school. i don't know it sounds dumb. but the worst part is my parents were aware of it the whole time and didn't do a single fucking thing to help me. instead of stopping me before the addiction grew they just watched me progressively get worse and laugh at me when i got sick or passed out. they were shitty fucking parents, always getting high or drunk themselves, so they were a big influence on me."

hyunjin took a deep breath, recalling the memories hurt not only his head, but his heart. "my best friend warned me to stop every day, but i always told him it was my way of feeling good..which it was. once you start taking these drugs it's like nothing feels better then when you're body is light and you- you get the point. but here's the thing chan. at first it was something that was just for fun, like that night at the party i wasn't fully an addict at that point. if i would've gotten a better reaction from people like you, minho, jisung all of you if you would have offered help instead of telling me "fuck you" and leaving me all alone then i wouldn't be where i am today. if you would have tried to help me the morning after we slept together then everything would be better. so chan. do you understand why i hate you? it's because i have to think to myself everyday about how you and everyone else made me feel like i wasn't worth saving and- and maybe i'm not, but it hurts to know every fucking person in my life chose to not help me out. was i never enough? was i not worth it? what was so wrong with me that you chose to cuss me out instead of offer me help and save me? i'm treated like a fucking monster and that's all i'll ever be in your eyes."

throughout hyunjins story he attempted to keep eye contact for as long as he could, hoping that would show chan some sort of humanity. in the end he couldn't hold it any longer as they swelled up with tears and he broke down while wondering if he really was a monster to begin with.

chan tried to understand hyunjins side of the story, but his mind was build to society's expectation of "you ruined it for yourself when you first abused those drugs." he tried to think otherwise but that's just the way he was grown to think. there was an acceptance of the thought in his head that hyunjin did need help. severe help. the poor boys body is already permanently damaged from the intake of the major and hard substances hes been using for five years straight. but chan wasn't sure if he was the one that wanted to help him.

"if someone who fucking hates his guts is willing to help him out, then maybe he might be able to get better."

those words played like a broken record in the back of chans head.

"don't just sit there and stare at me...say something." hyunjin coughed up. he felt so overwhelmed and sick. at this point he didn't know what was going on. he questioned the whole point of the conversation and what it would end up as... he felt like a fool for saying anything at all, thinking no matter what they did with that information it wouldn't benefit him whatsoever.

"i don't know what to say" chan took a seat on the torn up mattress beside the addict, contemplating to offer help or not. was it too late?

"just tell me your sorry. i don't care if you don't mean it. i just need to hear an apology from you, i need to hear that you're sorry for making me this way." hyunjin had never felt so vulnerable, so weak. to be crying like this in front of someone he has always managed to seem strong by. 

chan took a long second to think, to think deeply about what the difference between the right thing and what felt right. to help, he glanced over at seungmin and jeongin who looked back at him with soft expressions and nodded, which in the end gave him his answer. he did feel guilty, and that guilt washed over him about five years too late. the damage was already done and he hadn't recognized it wasnt just hyunjins fault. "hyunjin i know you may think it's too late...but let me help you."

hyunjin wanted an apology. he didn't want help. chan was right, he did think it was too late. "no apology? after forcing me to tell you my story and listening all the problems you caused i still get no apology!?" hyunjin lifted his head from his palms and took his two hands to shove chan.

"hyunjin i-"

"fuck this, fuck trying, fuck you. i'm asking for one simple thing, what could you possibly need from me to make you feel sorry? if i died would you be sorry? is that what it takes to get a simple fucking apology from you?! it's the least you could do for me." hyunjin was up and yelling at this point, quick to grab the last of his cash he kept under his pillow. "i thought i was the pathetic one." he rushed out the door leaving chan sitting on his bed with a blank expression.

he didn't know what to feel.

as for seungmin, he ran towards the door and out in the hallway to stop hyunjin, but it was too late. he was already gone. so the male he came back in, expressing his stress with a long sigh while running his fingers through his hair.

jeongin approached his boyfriend and wrapped him up into a hug, a way to comfort him without the risk of saying something wrong.

"chan, i think you should leave." jeongin peeped over seungmins shoulder at the eldest. he didn't want to be harsh on his roommate, but even he knew that chan should at least apologize. it was the bare minimum and he couldn't even do it.

so the eldest nodded and grabbed his things before walking towards the door that was left ajar. "oh and chan before you leave just know that—" seungmin started. "this is your problem now. you should take care of it before it gets any worse."