addiction - hyunchan

fifty-seven

"fuck" hyunjin muttered to himself as tears stung at his eyes. something about chan following him around the house while he made the addict collect all his little stashes of various drugs to be tossed out was making him feel so...guilty.

he pulled out a bottle of hydrocodone and a few grams of coke from his nightstand, handing them to chan who stood behind him with disappointment written on his face. "where else?" he asked sternly, as if he knew there was more despite having already collected things from all around the house.

hyunjin dropped his head and reached into his left pocket, pulling out more coke...chan didn't realize it was this bad. he thought it was just an occasional thing like how smoking was for him, but after seeing all the places hyunjin kept it hidden just to have back up in case another was found, this made it evident hyunjin had become severely addicted to cocaine.

"this bad? hyunjin are you trying to fucking kill yourself?! you'd think after flatlining before that you would fucking quit this shit!" chan yelled, ripping the bag from his hand and throwing it across the room in fury.

hyunjin flinched when chan threw the bag and started crying harder. everything chan said was right, and it hurt worse to know he was yelling just because he cared. "i know, i just—i can't—"

"yes you can. you did it once for a full year, you can do it again. i don't want to be in control of your life but you're making me feel like i have to monitor everything you do!"

"you don't have to! i'm fine!" hyunjin yelled back, he hated feeling inferior even when he knew he was. he wanted to convince himself he was fine, but it's hard to do when everyone around you is telling you that you're not fine.

"fine?! you call this fucking fine? i have to watch you from now on because i'm afraid—afraid if i don't i'll be spending the rest of my life alone." chan was not referring to a breakup but rather the loss of hyunjins life that would separate them. he was furious, more with himself for not catching this addiction sooner, but with hyunjin for being so, so careless.

hyunjin fell to his knees, he was a mess. he'd already been through withdrawal once, and he hated that he'd have to do it again. and you think it would be less scary for he'd already been through it right? wrong. every single fucking drug he would put into his body, every god damn dosage that was different than his first addiction would lead to different struggles he would have to face during withdrawal. this was not heroin, this was cocaine, hyunjin was going into this blind just as he did the first time...and he was absolutely terrified.

"i—i can't chan, i can't do it! i can't quit, it'll hurt so bad, i don't wanna feel like that again—i need it!"

this was painful for chan to watch. it's like they were back to stage one, and he feared that even if he did get sober again, that this would only become a cycle. over and over of hyunjin fucking up his body and attempting to fix it. he was so permanently damaged and it was just now starting to show how bad it truly was.

chan sighed, bending down and picking hyunjins weak body up from under his armpits and setting him on the bed. he was shaking and crying, and chan could barely stand to watch the scene in front of him for it only reminded him of the struggle they had went through back in college. "we're starting at-home rehab today weather you think you can or not. 3 proper meals a day, subtle exercises, and you're not going anywhere, unless i take you. understand?"

hyunjin didn't answer, he only shook his head in denial, crying harder into his palms. he knew this was what was best for him, but he didn't want to admit it and go through all that pain.

"i love you, hyun. i'm only being strict because i can't lose you. i know it must be hard, but we'll get through this together and i'm sure you're friends will be by your side the whole way. you are not alone." and chan placed a kiss on the boys forehead, leaving him to cry and rest while he flushed almost all the drugs they'd found. keeping a bit for hyunjin with the knowledge you can't take the substance away at once like they did last time or else he'd end up in the hospital again. they had to subtly reduce his intake each day until it reached zero.

hyunjin staying in bed trying to stop his tears. he wanted to come clean to his best friend before anyone else. he felt bad for lying and now that chan was most likely going to call him, hyunjin felt the sudden urge to beat him to it. so he then pulled out his phone and dialed felixs number, suppressing his cries so chan wouldn't hear him.

"jinnie, hi!"

"felix i'm sorry"

"awe babe, what's wrong? did chan upset you again?"

"no, chan found out i was addicted and he made me throw everything away— it's going to hurt so bad— i don't wanna q-quit!"

"you told me it wasn't a problem? we're you lying?"

"..."

"are you fuc- are you kidding me—i'm coming over"

and the call was ended.

hyunjin choked out a sob while he replayed this disappointment he hear in felixs tone. he didn't want to be reminded that everything he's ever done was either a mistake or a disappointment. he didn't want to be reminded of the pain it took from the looks as he recovered, crying, shaking, and twitching as he recovered from the drugs. yet every second he stopped using those problems swarmed his life, becoming absolutely everything that consumed him.

but when he was keeping his addiction in the shadows from everyone, he was happy and would never get stares or snarky comments. he just wished things had never gotten this bad.

he was too far deep into addiction to even see hope for the future. all the loving and encouraging words he heard the first time he tried to recover wouldn't work this time. because he knew those words meant nothing to a mind that a body was controlling.

(a/n: IMPORTANT please go watch the tiktok i have linked on my messages bored if you want to see what a real recovering addict going through withdrawal looks like so you can imagine it better.)