addiction - hyunchan

fourty-five

tw//mentions of suicide

it was late that night, hyunjin was wide awake next to his sleeping boyfriend trying so hard not to move and wake him up. it was just one of those nights where he was craving his old habit just a bit more than usual. his mind was filled with constant memories of when he was high and the horrid reminder of how good it felt. he tried sleeping it off but it was too hard to do so.

as he began drifting off yet again, he noticed jisung must have gotten up to use the bathroom when he opened his eyes to see the frail boy just leaving the room. of course he thought nothing of it, it was just a boy getting up to pee in the middle of the night. there's nothing out of the usual with that.

well at least that was the case until 10 minutes when by and jisung still hadn't returned.

again, hyunjin wasn't going to think much of it until he did. jisung was known for being unwell and he had even skipped dinner that evening, hyunjin didn't want to assume the worst but it's hard not to when you know what the sensitive boys living condition was like. so with as little movement as possible, in hopes to not wake his lover, hyunjin slipped out of bed and began to make way out of the bedroom until something caught his eyes.

over on the futon where jisung slept, there was a piece of notebook paper that had been folded in half. this immediately was extremely alarming to hyunjin as he had pulled that one before. he quickly ran over to the paper, praying on everything he could that it was only a piece of paper. unfortunately, hyunjin recognized what type of note it was after reading the first line, quickly he then sprinted down the hall to the bathroom.

with the luck that had been taken from his side, the door was locked. hyunjin began to bang with his fists, trying at the knob on repeat. "jisung! jisung listen it's not to late okay? me and chan are here for you just open up and let's talk!" he frantically cried. no no no this couldn't be happening. hyunjins chest was getting tighter with each breath, he himself felt as if he were going to pass out from pressure.

it was painful.

upon hearing the frantic cry's and loud knocks on that bathroom door, chan was awoken from his slumber only to see he was in his room, alone. no hyunjin. no jisung. yet a familiar cries of his boyfriend just down the hall. he jolted out of bed and he too sprinted down the hall to see hyunjin trying everything he could to open the bathroom door. "hyun, whats—what's wrong!?" he worried, it had to of been worse than he could imagine because from the looks of it, hyunjin was desperate for what awaited on the other side.

hyunjin tried gathering his breath, it took a lot in him to yell in his panicked state. "he's killing himself! chan do something! please anything! i swear i never meant the words i said, he's still my best friend jisung. he's still the little boy i met a-at the playground i-in 1st grade who-"

chans heart was sinking. had jisung not gotten better? he wanted nothing but to blame himself for missing the signs but in this moment he had to stay calm in case there was still time. "i know hyun, calm down. right now i need you to focus on breathing and call an ambulance. i'm going to pick the lock to go in, and when i do, i want you in another room, okay?"

the cold tile floor against his legs sent shivers through his body, his head was spinning. jisung took a look down at the empty bottles of his meds along with some foreign boat his of pills he'd found in hyunjins nightstand. as empty as the bottles, he too felt as if he were just tossed onto the floor.

jisung cried as he listened to chan and hyunjin speak on the other side, sulking with their words. he hated that he was putting them through stress, he hated the he was the reason for their tears. most of all, he hated that he that they cared. all jisung wanted was for them not to care at this point, because he himself wanted to let go and be free, but he just couldn't do that to them.

he felt pathetic. pathetic that he couldn't do it, couldn't do anything right, not even kill himself. so when chan rushed through that door seeing all the empty bottles lying next to jisung who was sat against the wall, jisung felt embarrassed, pathetic, weak, and most importantly he felt ashamed for putting chan and hyunjin to tears.

"jisung! bub, you're still awake!" chan cried leaning down to pick the frail boy up, still thinking the boy had already taken the pills due to the amount of empty bottles. jisung only scooted away crying harder. he wasn't happy that he was still alive, he just couldn't bring himself to end it all.

chan watched in fear as the younger boy moves away from him, shaking and crying. was jisung scared of him? or was chan missing something..."jisung, hunny-"

"i- i couldn't do it..." he peeped up over his cries, shakily pointing to the toilet bowl where all the pills were sunk to the bottom.

(a/n: atp in my life i should start apologizing to my future self bc i've basically fucked everything up already. only way i can fix it now is if i leave the country, but due to law i ain't even allowed to leave the state rn😍)