addiction - hyunchan

fifty-eight

"hey felix, i heard him on the phone with you" chan greeted the blond as he opened the door to his apartment. "he's sleeping in our room if you wanna see him." he proceeded to explain with a deep sigh.

felix pressed his lips in a thin line "i'll just wait until he wakes up" his voice was shaky and due to the irritation in his eyes chan knew he had been crying before he came. but his case wasn't much different for he'd been distressed and crying as well.

"uh, would you like something to drink? water, whiskey?" chan chuckled lightly, hoping to bring up the mood from its current depressive state.

"water is fine, thank you." felix said as he took a seat on the couch, sniffling.

the silence was tense. this had all happened all too quickly for them to understand. just days ago hyunjin was swearing, promising, that he was fine and it hadn't become a problem again since he "learned from past mistakes" but not it was all too clear it was only said as a cover-up.

"i thought he was finally doing good...like i—i spent my entire teen years worried about him and after his recovery i'd never felt so...so happy to see my best friend again. but it's like now all this, all that happiness was crushed with that same worry i had felt for so long, and it hurts worst than it ever did before because—"

"because you're afraid that it might never get better. yeah, i know what you mean." chan said passing him a glass of water. "we all had hope the first time, and were so proud of him getting better, but felix i'm starting to worry that he never got better in the first place."

"what do you mean? he was in rehab of course he got sober—"

"no, i know he was sober but the pain...the pain he feels when he's not on—i don't know, you haven't heard him cry like the way he was today...i'm so, so fucking terrified and i feel like a horrible boyfriend not knowing how to stop him from hurting while keeping him alive." chan choked on his words, suppressing his cries as best he could.

he had no idea how to stop hyunjins pain without allowing him to abuse substances. worst of all, he was afraid that the pain hyunjin felt never went away and maybe that's why he was drawn to being endlessly high. "what if—what if he doesn't make it? like i hate thinking that but you've never seen him shaking in your arms muttering nonsense...or curling up on the fucking bathroom floor banging his heads off the cabinets as his whole body twitched. it's—i can't, i'm sorry" chan couldn't even finish his words for the memories were too triggering.

hyunjins life was on the line, they had already lost him once and now that his addiction was so much worse than they expected, they feared that the outcome would be just as bad or even worse than before.

"can we ask him? ask him how he feels? maybe—"

"felix i have tried. i've tried everything..."

"but we can't just give up on him..."

"i know, but i don't know what to do anymore, im afraid he's already given up on himself..."

and these words were hard to hear, say even. just weeks ago, hyunjin seemed happy as ever out of rehab, a whole new happy person. but it seems like it's much harder to escape addiction that what was believed. it followed him around with a knife up to his throat, making his life absolutely miserable as a sober man, the knife only disappeared from sight when getting high, but would slowly carve deeper into his life, killing him slowly without him feeling a thing.

it's either; feel the unbearable pain but be alive or feel nothing at all and kill yourself slowly.

hyunjin chose the easiest option. to live life without the pain, so he could see and interact with his loved ones until his end. he didn't want to be in such an unlivable state of pain he couldn't laugh along with his friends and family, so he chose the painless route, not only for himself but for his loved ones.

"he can't give up..." felix whispered as he began to cry harder, soon being pulled into chans embrace and held tight by the warmth.

"i know, hun. we'll figure this out together." and chan sniffled, trying to stay strong minded for everyone. he couldn't loose hope, for he knew he was one of the only people who still had it.

...

about 2 hours or so passed of felix and chan sitting on the couch, drowning away their thoughts by watching television when they watched a drowsy hyunjin walk out of the bedroom and straight to the bathroom, completely oblivious to the company he had out in the living room. but after quickly using the bathroom he walked out and was met eyes with felix for a moment but didn't bother to say hello. "chan...can you come here?" he sniffled, evident he'd been crying. chan got up worried and followed hyunjin back into the bedroom, excusing himself and apologizing to felix for having to leave him alone for a brief moment.

chan shut the door behind him. "baby..." he said pulling the boy who nearly broke into tears as the door shut. he pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back slowly.

hyunjin calmed down the moment chan began telling him sweet things, yet it didn't stop the pain that was surging through his body. "channie it's been 4 hours since i—since i took anything...please it hurts"

chan sighed, kissing the top of the boys head as tears helplessly began slipping from his eyes. all of these words, all of this crying, all of this pain coming from hyunjin was all something he'd heard before.

and it hurt like hell to know they'd have to go through it all over again.

(a/n: happy halloween! i took my nephew trick or treating tonight n he dressed up as an akatsuki member. he's just too cute :'(