addiction - hyunchan

forty-three

"i-i'm sorry, hyunjin. i-i'll try not to do it again. i-i'm—"

chan rested a hand on the shaking, apologetic boys shoulder for comfort. "hun, it's okay. he's not mad at you. just go get something to eat in the kitchen and i'll be right there." chan stated and jisung quickly left the hallway out into the kitchen away from the two to do as he was told. as for chan, he sighed and turned to hyunjin. "it's been a week since you got home, can't you just accept that i'm his caregiver for now?"

"caregiver? chan he's 20 years old! i'm just saying if you continue to baby him, he'll never be ready for the real world. weather you want to listen to me or not, i'm right."

pinching the bridge of his nose, chan spoke once more. "i'm not babying him, i'm slowly putting him out there. you haven't been here to see the progress he's made, he went from not being able to shower himself to now doing almost everything on his own! he will get there one day hyunjin, but recovery takes time. i thought you of all people would know that."

chan left the hallway and walked out to meet jisung making himself a cheese quesadilla. as for hyunjin, he let out a frustrating groan and went inside his room to collapse on the comfortable bed. "fucking minho" he groaned. he knew minho was the problem from the beginning and hyunjin would continue to blame the elder lee for causing so much damage. he never intended to take out any anger towards jisung, it only frustrated him that the fragile boy still loved that horrible man after everything he'd done to both of them. the pain he they had endured due to that single man frustrated him to the point hyunjin hated himself for even putting though towards such being.

jisung sat down on the couch, nibbling on his quesadilla while chan sat down beside him to finally talk about visiting minho. "so, i took into consideration of what you asked me last week, and...i called the prison for visitation hours."

jisungs eyes lit up to the good news. he turned his whole body towards chan and engulfed him an a hug full of gratefulness. "thank you chan. i-i..."

"hey no need to thank me. you were right, you are capable of being in charge of your own decisions and if you think it's the right decision to see him, then so be it. unfortunately we can't go today since you, mister, have a well check at the hospital that changbin will be taking you to. but tomorrow at 3pm you and i will make a trip up there to see him, sound good?" jisung nodded sufficiently and continued nibbling on his small meal. "good, now you go take a shower and your meds, changbin will be here in an hour." chan ruffled the boys hair and and stood up to now accompany his boyfriend who he knew was for sure throwing a tantrum in their room.

upon entering in the room, hyunjin opened his arms for chan to fall into. which the elder did just that, attacking hyunjin with multiple kisses. "you know, jisung will be out for the evening~" hyunjin hummed into chans ear.

"i know~ that's exactly why we're going out to dinner with jeongin and seungmin" chan chuckled pressing a another kiss onto hyunjins lips, hoping it was enough to convince him to go.

"what? noooo. we barely ever get alone time, for fucks sake the boy even sleeps in our room chan! how am i supposed to calm my raging libido if we can't have sex!?" he complained, stuffing his face into chans neck. "i just miss when it was us. every night, you and me in the dorm..."

"i miss us being alone too. but jisung needs us right now, and i'm willing to be there for him until he's better. because then, i get the rest of my life alone with you."

"chan...have you ever thought about what happens if he doesn't get better?" hyunjin mentioned, face still tucked by chans nape while the elder played with his hair.

chan suddenly stopped his movements, hyunjin actually had a valid point; chan in fact never thought about that possibility. sure, he believed jisung was getting better but was it possible for that boy ever to be at 100% again? "i haven't...but i'll figure it out. all that matters is jisung needs us right now. so please just cooperate for the time being, i promise i'll figure out a way for us to have more alone time."

"alright, but i get a quickie before we go to dinner after jisung leaves" hyunjin smiled, lifting his head to connect his lips with chans. "deal." the elder replied, giving into the kiss.

...

tw//mentions of self harm

"han jisung?" the doctor questioned as she entered the small check up room to see the small male seated shyly on the table.

"y-yes?"

"it looks like your results have come back and you seem pretty healthy internally. you're still quite underweight but i can see the efforts your putting into getting healthy again, keep up the good work! i'm expecting some stronger bones from you in six months, think you can do that for me?" the doctor seemed enthusiastic, peppy as if her bright attitude would automatically put a smile on the suffering boys face.

jisung only nodded slowly. he wasn't comfortable around doctors, especially ones who tried to be his friend before breaking the terrible news just so he wouldn't be as upset. that always seemed to be the case.

"now do you know what i'm here to look at today?" the doctor questioned, taking out his stethoscope and sphygmomanometer to check his blood pressure and heart rate.

jisung shook his head 'no'

"well, i'm here to make sure external you is healthy too. meaning i'll need to check your skin for any infections or concerns. i'm a nurse here but i'm also the head dermatologist." the doctor smiled in hopes to comfort the clearly anxious boy, yet again failing to do so. "can you lay back for me? i'm going to lift your shirt, is that okay?"

jisung quickly shook his head 'no' again, this time putting his hands out in front of him for defense to signal the doctor to step back. "no i- ch-changbin" he said under his breath. he wanted changbin in the room with him so he wasn't alone. he didn't trust anyone lifting his clothes, even a doctor. especially to look at his stomach. he didn't want anyone to see his stomach. jisung wondered what kind of doctor would even look at his stomach in the first place? why did they need to check his "external body" anyways? couldn't they just ask him if he thought there was anything wrong? or did they think he was incapable of speaking for himself? jisungs mind felt as if it were going to implode. he wanted out of the doctors office, he hated doctors. it's a fucked yo system of false hope, judgement and lies. "you'll get better soon" all fucking lies. he hated every single doctor and nothing could change his mind. not after one too many had giving him hope that never really worked.

"would you like me to get your friend to accompany you? either way i have to examine under your shirt, do you want your friend in here still?"

no. if they absolutely had to look under his shirt, then he definitely did not want changbin in here. so jisung shook his head no and proceeded to lean back, squinting his eyes to block the florescent lights and to shield him from the judgmental doctor. the doctor slowly lifted jisungs shirt, eyes widening at the damage the poor boy had done. "i'm going to clean these fresh ones up for you so they don't get infected. and...it looks like your right side will need about three stitches, i don't think the gauze you stuck on there's gonna be enough."

jisung felt tears of embarrassment roll down his cheeks as the doctor left the room momentarily to grab alcohol to clean the wounds and supplied to stitch up the deep wound in his right side. he never meant to be so weak, but the thought of minhos not wanting to see him when he would go visit the prison had been eating him alive. self harm had been a common go to for jisung when he felt things weren't going well. when he felt weak. there were even times he was doing too good and had convinced himself that he missed a mistake he made and would punish himself for no reason at all. yet, jisung never listened to the conscious in the back of his mind telling him this was all minhos fault, because to this day jisung still believes if he would've been there for minho than the elder wouldn't have resorted to alcohol.

it's a messed up mind process full of flaws, but jisung was severely ill and his low self esteem seemed to be sinking lower each day, despite the "progress" he'd been showing chan. unfortunately it was far from progress, because the only really reason jisung had been distancing himself was so chan wouldn't be able to see the damage jisung was doing to himself.