addiction - hyunchan

forty-seven

it was yet another week later, and to say chan wasn't mentally and physically exhausted would be far from the truth.

taking care of two unstable people in one household seemed to be rubbing off on him. his head was always foggy and he got barely any sleep between jisung tossing and turning, getting up to use the bathroom; and hyunjin leaving to go sleep in the living room, drowning himself in alcohol and smoking anything he could. but despite how he was feeling himself, he couldn't let it show to these two boys, not when they needed him most. he needed to stay strong for them.

today, he had a small break. jisung was with changbin going for another checkup and spending the day with him, possibly going to see minho again so jisung could properly talk everything out with his boyfriend. so here chan was, hoping to get some sleep and rest for the time being.

"babe?" hyunjin asked, cuddling closer to chan, alone, for the first time in what seemed like forever. he too was not doing the greatest, he was never sober anymore. even if he was sober from heroin, chan was worried that the way he was living now wasn't much better with the amount of alcohol, weed, and pills he was abusing. it was unhealthy for the boy to be so intoxicated all the time, not allowing himself a sober second to breathe. in all honesty, chan was scared this would end up worse than he wanted to imagine. "we're finally alone can we please do something?" hyunjin whispered.

chan sighed, putting his lips onto hyunjins, kissing him shortly for comfort. "hmm i'm tired baby...just let me get some sleep"

hyunjin whined and began to kiss chan's neck. he was needy and wanted something to soothe that feeling but his lover had been focused on jisung all week and now simply wanted to sleep. maybe if he was sober enough to realize that chan needed the rest, he would let him, but every intoxicated mind is narcissistic.

"hyunjin please just let me be. i need to sleep." chan said slightly pushing hyunjin away from him and rolling over to face the other way.

hyunjin watched him turn away right before his eyes and couldn't process why, why chan seemed to be avoiding him. and although chan wasn't avoiding him, he was just exhausted and needed sleep yet hyunjin couldn't understand that. "fuck this." he snickered, abruptly getting up from the bed. "i was gone a year, chan! a whole fucking year, i got back and we've only had sex once! you've barely even been paying attention to me!"

chan groaned turning to face his ranging boyfriend. "hyunjin i'm fucking tired what don't you understand. i've been taking care of jisung for so long and it's exhausting. i understand you want attention but jisung needs it more right now. he's gone through so fucking much and needs me right now. for fuck sake he tried to kill himself and i feel like i failed at taking care of him because i genuinely thought he was getting better and i couldnt see that he was hurting so much he wanted to take his own god damn life! so fine. go bitch about me not wanting to fuck you, go cry about never thinking about anyone but yourself...oh, and while you at it, think about how i might feel for once."

hyunjin scrunched you his nose and turned away, holding back the tears. arguing with chan was triggering to him in a way. he still didn't understand why chan wasn't seeing hyinjin was struggling too. how he felt useless because he spent a whole year in rehab but it didn't help the fact he wanted to shoot up heroin every night. "i-i'll just go. have a good time sleeping."

"hyun— no i—" chan tried to get in, reaching for the boys arm but it was too late, for hyujin had already stormed out of the room.

chan knew he wouldn't be able to stop his boyfriend. hyunjin was independent and wouldn't listen even if he tried. so he fell back into the bed with a sigh, tears dripping down his cheeks onto the pillow beneath him.

...

"look who finally decided to wake up" said hyunjin, watching chan walk out into the living room to the kitchen and grab a glass of water.

"grow up, hyunjin" chan sighed, bringing his glass of water into the living room, sitting down next to his seemingly still upset boyfriend.

"yeah okay, sorry i just missed my boyfriend."

"i missed you too, but you're acting childish."

"and how exactly am i being childish?"

"you're jealous because i was busy taking care of jisung, and now you're acting all pissy just because i needed some rest after a long week. it's childish, you're only thinking of yourself."

"yeah maybe im jealous, but it's because you were too busy taking care of jisung to realize your own boyfriend has been struggling all week. did you know i almost relapsed the other day when you sent me out to the gas station?" hyunjin snapped, causing chan's heart to sink. was he really that distracted with jisung or was it a bluff to win the arguement? whether that be the case, hyunjin had a point. weather it be true or not, chan still wouldn't have known because hyunjin was right.

chan opened his mouth to speak but couldn't form the words properly as they were stuck in his throat from guilt. maybe he thought he was in the right, and technically he was for helping jisung out. but the boy was right, chan really hadn't been paying much attention to hyunjin because he only assumed he was better.

and that's where it caught him, that's exactly where chan went wrong with jisung.

"exactly, i knew you didn't because when i got back you were asleep with another boy in your arms as if he were the only thing important to you. i get that you're tired but that's not what im mad about." hyunjin tried to stand up and leave after another argument yet again, but this time chan pulled him back down to the couch.

"please let's talk this out. stop leaving every time i go to speak."

hyunjin rolled his eyes before making eye contact with chan. "fine." as much as he did want to leave, he wanted to hear an apology from chan. one that was sincere and not half assed like the ones he used to get in the past. hyunjin also hated arguing with his boyfriend, mostly because it brought back memories of when they weren't on good terms with one another. in fact, it made him feel sick to his stomach. they way chan raised his voice earlier made him feel like that helpless addict state he used to be in years ago...he would even go as far to saying it was one of the worst emotional feelings ever.

"babe, i never meant to ignore you. and i-i'm sorry for not being there for you. i should've payed more attention after you mentioned not being able to sleep the other night and i'm so sorry for missing the signs you were struggling this much. i know this isn't an excuse for ignoring you but i was so scared jisung was going to try again every night, so i made sure he slept close to me so he couldn't lock himself in the bathroom like he did that day. i wanted to show him the love he hasn't gotten in years and that itself was too much in my plate. i never meant to hurt you like that..." chan felt like a shitty boyfriend, a person, for missing signs of struggling on not one but two beings.

and this feeling wasn't helping with the stress he'd already been feeling.

(a/n: if y'all didn't know, i use a fake name on my kpop associated socials so my irl friends don't find me one day. my name ain't actually winnie💀)