addiction - hyunchan

fifty-one

chan had driven over to changbin and felixs abode to return the rest of jisungs belongings and give him his meds. hyunjin sat in the front seat, excited to go and see felix after a short while to catch up.

upon arriving the large home, hyunjin immediately got out of the car rushing towards what chan assumed to be felix. so there chan was, lifting a cardboard box full of jisungs cloths and shoes. gradually he walked up the steps to the front entrence where he was met with changbin, who offered to grab the box from him, to which chan gladly complied. "thanks for bringing his stuff, i know we could've come over and grabbed it but jisung hasn't really been getting out of bed much lately."

"no worries, hyunjin was wanting to come visit felixs anyways" chan admitted, frowning that this was actually happening, jisung was moving out permanently this time. of course chan expected him to go off on his own sooner or later, but after these circumstances and being this soon...chan was simply not ready to let the boy go. "may i go see him?" chan asked.

"of course, he's up the stairs, three doors down and to your right" changbin informed, watching chan nod then hurry up the stairs.

chan found the room to which jisung occupied, the door was cracked slightly and all the lights were off, resulting in a completely dark room due to the black out curtains used in the windows. the only light the fell into the room was from the crack in the door to the hallway, so when chan opened it wide to walk in, the sleepy boy sat up rubbing his tired eyes, being awoken from the bright light. "bin?" he asked, not yet seeing the figure of the person for his eyes were still adjusting to the light.

"no sweetheart, it's me."

"chan?" he asked, watching the silhouette draw closer "chan!" he exclaimed again once it became clear, holding his arms out for chan to hopefully hug him, which the older gratefully did, wrapping his arms around jisung and pulling him close as he too sat down upon the bed. "i'm missed you" jisung mumbled, nuzzling his face into the males chest.

chan suddenly found this harder. harder to do. he knew he'd still be able to see jisung whenever he wanted, he just hated he wouldn't have to boy around for meals or up giggling watching tv when he woke up in the mornings. he'd no longer have the boy there and that was something chan knew he had to overcome. jisung wasn't his, nor was he jisungs. but it sure as hell felt like it after spending a whole year caring for the boy simply because his lover wasn't there to do so for him. "i—i missed you too" he replied, tears swelling in his eyes.

chan had to say goodbye now or else he was afraid he'd never be able to.

this was all because he loved hyunjin, he had hyunjin, and hyunjin had him. he had someone for himself and so did jisung. there were no romantic feelings involved, or at least chan wouldn't admit to there being any, but in the end chan was made for hyunjin and that's who he would love until his lungs gave out.

"chan now don't cry, i'll come by to visit all the time" jisung said, not helping as tears streamed down his face as well.

"i know, sweetie...it's just so hard for me to let you go and—and i think what hurts the most is that it's not supposed to be hard. im not supposed to love you like this..." chan stated, peeling himself out of the hug feeling to guilty.

and after all chan did for him, jisung couldn't help but feel hurt, for he felt the same. "i-i love you too..." he confessed, yet chans cries only became more prominent. the younger frowned, he hated seeing other people become vulnerable for he didn't know how to comfort them, he couldn't even help his vulnerable self so who was he do do so for others. now after his confession he couldn't help but think he had said something wrong. "i'm sorry i didn't—i'm—"

wiping his tears and looked at jisungs distressed, saddening expression, chan sniffled. "it's not your fault."

"i-i know...but i—we can't, i know. we can't love each other because we already love people." jisung said, tears prickling at his own eyes. "and i don't want hyunjin to hate me more." he joked, giggling in hopes a simple joke would brighten the glum mood...unfortunately it didn't really cheer chan up exactly.

"i'm sorry he doesn't like you...but i understand why he was so jealous. he saw what i didn't." chan explained, referring to the feelings he had developed for jisung. one last time he pulled to boy into a hug and let him curl up in his arms as he too cried. they knew it was something that had to end before it started. chan wanted to be loyal to hyunjin and jisung wanted that for them as well. he wanted nothing more than for them to be happy with one another, and he had built a slight hatred for himself for almost coming between them. he hated how he always seemed to be a problem for everyone.

"it's okay, channie. don't cry. you and hyun can grow old together and—and be happy without me." he explained, trying to soothe the elder from his depressive state. all he ever wanted was for others to live happily, unfortunately everywhere he went he seemed to bring the opposite. so jisung convinced himself once he let people go, they could finally be happy now that he wasn't around. "go be happy, hyung. i'll be okay."