addiction - hyunchan

forty-six

that night the ambulance was never called and jisung was put back into bed beside chan and fell fast asleep. but that wasn't the case for hyunjin.

hyunjin was restless, he already had been tossing and turning before the incident but now it was nearly impossible to close his eyes. nothing but guilt dripped over his emotions burying him in an uncomfortable feeling he longed to escape. while chan and jisung layes side by side in the bed asleep, hyunjin was outside on the small balcony with a blunt in his hands and a bottle of liquor in his other.

he reminisced about middle school and early high school years with jisung, his bubbly, goofy friend he loved dearly. he thought back on the times they were normal before both of their lives went to shit. he can't imagine what kind of hell jisung went through, all the beatings and manipulation to force him to stay away from hyunjin himself. and hyunjin hated himself for ever assuming it was jisungs fault.

drowning himself in another swig, more tears fell from his cheeks. it had only been a week. one fucking week out of rehab and it seemed just as hard to restrict himself from the drug as it did before. it made him wonder if he wasted a whole year of his life or not. or maybe it was just a bad day and he was in need of forgetting this terrible feeling.

whatever it was, he had to fight for the future in the right way. a somewhat sober way.

...

minho laid on his bed of the dirty cell, debating on weather getting through these few more years was worth it or not now that he thought jisung was gone for good. he had to tell himself over and over that it wasn't his fault, even though there was nobody else to blame.

his cell mate looked up to the top bunk to see the usual tough man, crying, tears streaming down his red cheeks. "lee, you alright?" he asked. "was it that visit today?"

minho sat up wiping his tears. "it's not your fucking business" he tried to be strong but he was so close to breaking, nothing could possibly stop the mass hole in his heart from growing aside from jisung being there in his arms. but for all he knew, his jisung was dead.

"look man, i ain't ever seen you cry like this before. i just wanna make sure you all good."

minho sniffled and looked down at his cell mate once again, wiping his face to rid it of not and tears. "my boyfriend came in today...he told me that he was going to end his life and—and i couldn't do anything to save him because my fucked up head got me locked up in this dump in the first place...and—and the worst part is, i'm the reason he was so different...so sad. i'm the whole reason he didn't want to be alive anymore, i-it's all my fault."

"no...lee, i know what you're thinking. you gotta fight through it and be strong for him. we don't even know if he did it or not. there's always a chance he's okay, and you just gotta hold onto that chance. for him."

minho wanted to try, just for that slim chance that maybe jisung would come back one day and see him. it wasn't something that was promised, but he hoped that jisung really was alive. because without his sweet boy, he was nothing.

...

"jisung? good morning, hunny. how are you feeling?" chan said, only earning a slight murmur from the boy. "i know your tired but it's almost lunch time and i need you to eat something."

after a moment of pure silence, jisung turned around nuzzling his face into chans hip, who sat beside him up against the headboard. "c-can you make me one of those smoothies? i don't think i will be able to keep down any solids right now..."

chan ran his fingers through the boys hair once "of course sweetheart, i'll be right back." and just like that chan got out of bed and headed out to the living room where he was greeted with hyunjin wide awake watching netflix on the couch, an empty bottle of liquor and the place reeked of newly smoked weed.

"chan, im sorry~" he slurred, rolling over on the couch and sitting up. he felt so weak, he felt useless when he turned to the simple things that could intoxicate his mind just to avoid his problems. he of all people should know that it doesn't fix them, doesn't help them, and doesn't push them away. yet he still found himself getting high just to feel something more pleasing than pain.

chan walked over to the boy placing his hand on his cheek. "it's okay, baby. i know it's hard, just try and get some rest for me. you look tired." chan understood that hyunjin was only in this state because of the stress under the roof, so all he could do was be there to support and calm the tension since it was important for him to keep his loved ones safe and happy.

chan then watched hyunjins face scrunch up. knowing that's what he did before he cried, chan quickly sat down and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "hyun..."

"chan i can't" he cried, speaking of not being able to sleep. everything hyunjin had gone through in the past from torture to recovery, he didn't need jisung to leave him, it would only make it harder, make it harder to hold on to his sobriety.

"at least go lay down in bed, i'll bring you some water to help sober you up." hyunjin nodded at chans words and followed him back to the room where jisung laid asleep in bed. hyunjin crawled under the covers next to the boy and closed his eyes, but he just couldn't sleep.