addiction - hyunchan

thirty-two

felix and jisung ran into the lobby, the blond quickly spotted chan in the and rushed towards him. as chan watched felix approach he stood up and engulfed him into a hug. the reason behind it was that his simply needed someone. he needed someone there for him right now, and felix seemed to be the only one, no matter the past they had. because in the end they were both there for the same person.

"chan...what happened?" felix choked out a cry, squeezing onto the elders shirt. he was afraid of what had gone so wrong that hyunjin found himself in the hospital yet again.

chan hesitated as he could practically smell the lash out felix would have after chan told him this wasn't something to do with recovery, but quite actually the opposite. he knew how felix would blame it all on him for being the one who was told to keep an eye on him, so why was he hesitant if he knew the end reaction. was it because chan was prepared for being blamed on the mistake of hyunjin going out of his sight and abusing substances again, but not prepared to be blamed if hyunjin really did pass away? would it really be chan's fault he died in the end just like hyunjin had said in past arguments before?

"...he overdosed" chan whispered, already relaxing all his muscles to prepare himself to be hit, kicked, or anything of that sort. and his predictions were right. felix pushed chan out of the hug, furiously wiping away his tears from his cheeks and beneath his oh so glassy eyes.

"i knew you would never fucking change! i knew him getting attached to you was a bad idea! i knew you would hurt him in the end!" felix drew his hand back going to slap chan with everything he had, but his wrist was restricted from cutting through the air when jisung had took hold of it.

"felix." jisung warned. for someone who had a usual bubbly, happy and upright stupid personality, this warning sounded serious, not something expected from the boy. "stop hitting people when you're mad" he said letting go of the blond wrist. "it hurts, and i would know. just stop, please." jisung begged. he knew felix wasn't fully aware of what was going on and he couldn't have him harming others before knowing the full story.

in reality, felix really didn't know chan hadn't hurt hyunjin in anyway.

felixs eyes softened out of their piercing glare and his tears continued to spill. But he couldn't take it anymore, he needed to express the anger he had somehow. the anger that was still build up inside him from when chan used to tell hyunjin that he should "kill himself" or how "if he died, nobody would care" or about the one that hurt felix the most was "i hope these dumbass drugs kill you him day. maybe then he'll realize how much of an inconvenience he is." and the reason why that one hurt the most was because chan's was the one who wished it, and he's the one that would fulfill it in the end. although, hyunjin was never an inconvenience. Felix always thought of him as a lesson, not of what not to do, but a lesson for himself that if you stick with someone and you show them that you really care and love them when they need you the most, those of the type of people that will be with you till the end. whether it's this rough patch or the next, they'll be there.

and in chan's defense, he was there, just later on down the road after he fixed himself and learned his own lesson that his own words taught him as well. of course he regrets it all.

he regrets it every second of every day.

but the past was far behind them and he hadn't had to worry about the regret anymore since hyunjin had granted him forgiveness. yet chan couldn't help but wonder if he would forgive him now.

"felix i'm sorry" he cried once again, apologizing to the only person he could at the time knowing that he couldn't apologize to hyunjin directly. he hated this. he hated to have to be here. he didn't want to apologize because he didn't want to be in this hospital in the first place. he wanted to be in the dorm with hyunjin in his arms as they laughed and watched netflix like usual. he wanted to see his boy smile again, he wanted hyunjin. as he noted before, chan couldn't loose hyunjin. not after everything.

not now.

not now, because chan was finally realizing his feelings for hyunjin were much deeper than he could comprehend.

chan was hopelessly in love with a boy who might already be dead.

the saying "you only love them when they leave" or "when it's too late" really applied to the eldest as he collapsed on one to the chairs in the lobby and began to cry uncontrollably, hyperventilating.

chan was terrified.