addiction - hyunchan

twenty-three

"chan~ can i smoke again?" hyunjin slurred, body slumped on his own mattress.

it had been four days since they made it home from the hospital, things were slowly getting better. hyunjin could walk and do things on his own for the most part, and the pain was much more tolerable due to the detox and the lingering high from marijuana.

"no hyunjin, you've finished an 8th today and you've only been awake for 6 hours. you're high off your ass right now, stop fucking asking."  chan was irritated at the way the younger had been asking non stop. he was attempting to get school work done but it was always disturbed by the addicts extreme neediness for a high.

hyunjin shifted, now sitting up to face the elders bed. he proceeded to scoff at what he thought was a pathetic sight of the elder all stressed out over school work. he felt annoyed that evening, at the way chan was speaking to him like they hadn't been actually getting along these past few days. and to add on top of that occurrence, hyunjin had yet to leave the dorm since they got back.

a walk would do him some good. one outside in the fresh air along with the afternoon sun. let your feet feel lighter than air one step on the city sidewalk while the next is dense and heavy. "sorry for always being the fucking problem, i'm going on a walk" hyunjin stood up from his bed, not bothering to put shoes on before heading for the door.

chan immediately stood up from his bed and stopped the addict from leaving by grabbing a hold of his wrist. "you're not going alone"

"no, fuck off. im trying to get away from you if you couldn't tell" hyunjin snapped back, ripping his arm away from chan. again, he felt upset rather than angry this time. usually he wouldn't hesitate to swing a punch at the elder. but this time he couldn't do it. chan had done so much for him in this past week, it would be low and disrespectful of him to injure the one person aside from felix who cared.

"look, i didn't mean to raise my voice earlier. i'm just frustrated with all the school work i have and taking care of you is a lot more of a workout than i thought. just, please make sure you take someone on a walk with you if you're going out. i may be ignorant sometimes but i'm not stupid."

hyunjins eyebrows furrowed and his face into one of offense. sure, he was definitely going on a walk to smoke, but this showed chan really hadn't much trust in him. "you don't trust me?"

"no hyunjin. i don't trust you. i know that you'll go on a walk and smoke, get high, and act like an idiot because you're alone. but that's not the only reason i'm not letting you out. it's too dangerous, especially in your condition. what happened if you start spasming again, your nose bleeds, or you throw up? there won't be anyone there to help you. so no, you're not going" chan stated, hands subconsciously resting on hyunjins shoulders to keep him from walking away.

hyunjin looked down at the floor, eyes now brimming with tears. his joyful high now crashing down. chan was right, he couldn't do anything by himself anymore. his body and mind weren't physically and mentally prepared for facing the outside world alone while sober. he'd now really come to realization that he'll probably need some extra help his whole life now that he damaged his body to a point so far it can't and won't heal to 100%.

chan had watched a few tears drip onto the tile floor beneath them and couldn't help but wonder if he had hurt hyunjins feelings. maybe his words were a bit too insensitive? he hadn't a clue, but whatever it was he couldn't handle hurting hyunjin again, so he only prayed that he wasn't the reasoning behind the many tears.

without sharing words, chan wrapped his arms around hyunjin for comfort, the addicts arms falling into place around chan as well. "hyun, i'm so sorry—"

"i can't do anything anymore. i'm just so fucking useless" hyunjin cut in, tears soaking into the fabric of chan's shirt.

"hey hey don't say that, you're not useless hyunjin.... look, how about i call felix and see if he can take you on a walk. don't think to much right now. thinking too much never ends well, it always ends with someone getting hurt. so lift your head up and get some shoes on, i'm sure the walk would've been painful if you had left before i stopped you." said chan, hoping to uplift the mood with a slight chuckle.

"i'm high...i don't want to be high around felix again because i think differently and i'm scared i might try and kiss him again"

"then do you want me to call seungmin or jeongin to take you?"

"chan, there's no point of me going on a walk if it's not alone. i just want to get higher and i can't with one of you around." hyunjin finally lifted his head off chans shoulder and slipped out of his arms. "i'll just go back to b—"

"we can go on a drive."

"huh?"

"i'll drive, we can smoke and listen to music maybe get some fast food? we've been sitting in this dorm doing nothing for a week, it's time we get out and go do something for a change." chan said walking to his desk, grabbing his keys and shoes.

hyunjin looked at the elder who was seemingly happy to take him out. he wasn't going to lie to himself, going on a drive and simply chilling in the car sounded like a lot of fun. his heart felt warm to see chan stop his studies just to take him out and calm his neediness for getting high off what he could at the moment. of course if there was heroin in the view he'd take that immediately on instinct and crave, but marijuana was what he was allowed to take, and the high was alright. the fact chan was even allowing him to smoke made him what you could call happy.

so the younger slipped on his shoes and chan grabbed his backpack that contained the weed, before both of them headed out towards the parking garage. the two both subconsciously crossing their fingers for an enjoyable night where hopefully they could have fun and forget the petty hatred that once burnt inside them for each other.

(a/n: it felt necessary to publish a chapter for this book right now. i'm honestly not sure how this chap. is but i came here to inform you guys that i've relapsed, about a week ago and i haven't been sober since. weather it's opioids, coke, or weed haha i've just been high like 24/7. so maybe i might recover again and i'll be able to update you on withdrawal etc. so you can get the pov of withdrawal from hydro like the book did with heroin. and if you guys are worried about my mental state, don't worry. i'm in a really good place right now, i've gotten close with my friends again and have been socializing a lot more so i'm happy :)